May 5, 2001

    i did end up wearing the collar to bed last night.  After i was finished updating here and chatting with my girlfriend N on icq for a bit, Himself woke up and we made our way to the bedroom.  i crawled into bed first and on a whim grabbed the collar.  i figured the worse that could happen was i'd end up just holding it all night, but at least i'd feel better.

     He got into bed and took off His glasses.  And just before He turned off the light i placed the collar on His chest.  No words.  But the ice was broken and i was pulled over closer to Him while He fastened around my neck.  

     i think we both slept better last night.

     The house is really starting to take shape and i'm getting excited!  There's lots of drywall up now and we picked up the beams for the staircase and made some choices on how to repair the floors.  We visited a new building supply store today, where i discovered even more lighting choices and a gazillion things to look at.  

     i'm driving the big guy crazy though, because i have a tendency to move forward in my mind to the finished product and what to serve for our first dinner down there and He's still back at the "how do I fix that?" stage.  Actually, today was the first day that it finally clicked in to me that He really can't see how it will look when it's done and i was kind of surprised by the idea.  i guess i always assumed that since He can be creative in His craft, and with His cooking, that the same creativity would spill over into the reno and He'd have a stronger house design sense.  

     So my frustrations have been misguided in some of this.  He's been asking me to make decisions that i find increasingly hard to make since i don't have the information i need to do so, and because i'm gone during most of the construction hours - so there's no hands-on time to explore possibilities.  And He's finally made me understand that He can't see down the road so to speak - example being how the floor will look when done.  He's also busy trying to learn how to do the things He's actually working on.  

     Then i come home and see things like light switches in places that totally mess me up for hanging all the artwork that He has.  And He and the builder buddy look at me cross eyed when i ask to have them moved.  See?  If i was here when these decisions were being made, it would be easy.  Well not completely, cause the builder buddy hates some of my ideas - but hey, we're paying Him so He doesn't have to like it anyway.  But still there would be less grief.  And maybe i would have understood sooner that Himself can't see that wall with a painting on it - He just sees the fact that He figured out how to get the (curse word) wall up.

     But after today's talk, when Himself sat on the couch and explained in very clear words the problem He's having looking long range at this project, it finally clicked into me that i have to make some design decisions.  Which scares the bejeezuz out of me.  Light switch location is one thing - and ultimately repairable if need be - but flooring is a biggy.  A mistake is something you live with for a very, very long time.  

     Ah well.  i suppose there's always carpet big enough to cover it if i go wrong.

      So my son is a blond now.  We had dinner with the kids (my son and his non-girlfriend) last night.  We met at the local pub and of course Himself gave my kid grief for having His hat on inside, which is when we discovered upon removal of said hat, that He'd dyed His hair.  i dunno.  Dark brown eyes and eyebrows combined with yellow hair is a bit startling at best.  Where do they get these ideas?

     The topic of D/s came up - something i've noticed the kid likes to talk about and He said NG (non-girlfriend) thought the whole idea was a bit weird.  Interesting since, although she appears to be a very determined young lady, she's also very submissive.  Which leads me to asking myself why i think she's submissive (a question asked of me during that interview thing i had a few weeks ago).

     i find the question "how do you define a submissive" really hard.  Every answer i come up with sounds hollow and trite.  And easily argued against. Yet how do you describe a personality?  A personality is a state of being - a submissive (and a Dominant) is a person like anyone else who possesses a particular way of thinking.  Of being.  

    There isn't any one trait that i can describe that says "aha! so that's what makes he/she a submissive."  Himself suggested it is a person who has a need to serve, and has a need for attention.  But i think that could be attributed to a Dominant personality as well.  

     What makes one model stand out more than another?  People have suggested the 'it' theory (they have *it* and that makes them special) but what exactly is 'it'?  This same conundrum could be applied when trying to describe a submissive personality.

     Asking me why one person is born submissive and the other isn't, is the same as asking me why one person is born black and the other white.  'Cause they just are.  

     Why is one child born hyperactive, while the second child in the family is born more gentle natured?  They just are.  

     And i believe the NG is submissive natured.  i also believe she's very intelligent and very strong minded and with the right encouragement will do well in life.  i just hope she's lucky enough to find the right match for her personality.  But i'm a perfect example of how sometimes it takes a few tries before we get things right.  i hope she gets it right the first time.

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