APRIL 6, 2000
So here i
am back again.
i've been gone since Sunday, visiting with my girlfriend T, and
seeing my children. Well, my daughter anyway. my son
was m.i.a.; between work and bad weather, (neither of us having a
car at our disposal) we weren't able to meet up. We did chat
on the telephone and make plans for him to come visit at some
point in the hopefully-near future.
i
miss the both of them. In a perfect world, i would be able
to bundle them up, complete with all their worldly
possessions, and move them up here to be with me. i did my
best to try and talk my daughter into going to college here, but
she detests the "big city". And judging by the way
she was looking at the 6'3" boy she introduced me to - i
don't think i stand a chance.
i
did have a nice visit with T. We indulged in our usual level
of naughtiness; much swilling of beer and marathon movie sessions
using her new dvd player. i don't miss watching television
(it's not a household item here) as i wasn't ever the type to sit
for hours in front of one, but i do miss being able to watch a
movie once in awhile. Yes, i could go out to a
theatre. But then i couldn't curl up on a comfy couch, in my
nightgown, sipping a glass of wine. And snuggling with Master.
i
don't belong in my old "world" anymore. i knew
that already, in my heart. But i needed to go back to
confirm that knowledge; confirm that the "fit" wasn't
there for me. Even though i am becoming more comfortable
here, not quite so overwhelmed by everything, i was feeling lonely
for the familiarity of a 21 year history. Yet when i went
back to visit it, i felt displaced.
And
lonely. Like that feeling one can get in a crowd
sometimes. Surrounded by people, yet standing alone.
Not belonging, nor wanting to belong, and remaining only to be
polite. Or, as in my case, because of T and the need to see my
children.
How
did this happen so quickly? This distancing of myself from
such a large part of what was my life's reality? Maybe when
i had been thinking, a few years ago, that i didn't belong there -
i really didn't. Maybe i was right even back then. It always
felt like i was in limbo. Waiting. Waiting for
something or some "thing", but not knowing what it was i
was restless for.
So
perhaps this didn't happen very quickly at all. The timing
was exactly right and i am exactly where i should
be.
i'm
at home.
shadoe |
