May 5, 2000

     i found myself listed in yet another journal site that i read!  Jane had pointed me in White Jade's direction via some email correspondence that we shared, and i have been enjoying her words ever since.  Last night i discovered she had linked to me.  i can't begin to describe the "warm fuzzies" that i feel about all of this, although i can't seem to figure out an email address for her to be able to thank her properly.  Hmmmm.  So Jade, if you are out there, thanks!  And i linked your page from mine as well, okay?  (check the sidebar)

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     i am continually having bad dreams.  Or rather, one recurring dream that has been waking me in the dark of the night.  The dream is always about my mother, and about the time before her death.  The circumstances surrounding the events change; sometimes my siblings are there and sometimes my father is as well.  My mother is usually being cared for, either by me or some of the others in the dream.  The fact that she is about to die is very apparent.  One of the nights, the dream had colour, and there was a train passing very close to my body.  i had turned to watch it come closer to me and then suddenly weave away.  Cartoon-like.  There are conversations going on, and an underlying current of angst ( i don't want to say anger because it doesn't feel like a strong enough emotion to be that).  Other times i am asking questions and my reactions feel more clinical.  Yet through all of the dreams i also feel anxiety.

     Last night the dream was much shorter, but still had the same basic theme.  The difference this time however, was that instead of trying to pull away from what was happening, i had approached my mother and asked; "Is this a warning?"  And she had nodded her head, her face assuming that pinched-in expression she used to get, when she didn't want to say the words out loud.  Or didn't want anyone else to notice.  At this point i woke up.

     Master suggested that i write about this, in an effort to either understand and/or have the dream stop happening.  i don't know what it could mean, but i do know i have a bit of a superstitious nature which leads me to wonder if i really am being given a warning.  Most likely it's only my inner anxieties manifesting themselves through this dream, but it's still unsettling because it is the same one, over and over.  

     Anxieties:  my kids, Master, aging, money, health, self-esteem

     Okay, so i'm a bit of a worrywart.  

     This could of course, be just another step in the grieving process.  *i* think it's been long enough, but that doesn't necessarily mean that it has been.  i do know i don't feel quite so angry at her anymore, but i also know that i didn't have closure with either of my parents.  And because of the things i am trying to write about now, for my daughter, perhaps that is where the dreams are coming from.  

     And to totally go out there in the psychic left field, maybe i really am getting a "warning".  To be careful with my daughter's own psyche.          

                    shadoe