June 13, 2000

 i'm slowly beginning to recover from my daughter going home.  i guess many would suggest i am suffering a bit of the empty nest syndrome, even if the circumstances are somewhat reversed.  Meaning i left "home", not my kids.  i remember when they were younger and being particularily bratty, i would teasingly suggest that i was going to move out when they hit age sixteen.  This usually produced a chorus of "sure mom's" and much rolling of eyes.  Mine included. 

      Never did i expect it would turn out to be the truth.

      Our bedtime ritual continues.  i cannot begin to describe how much i like it and hence the reason i am repeating the telling of it.  i'm still a bit unsure of the "getting naked and kneeling at the foot of the bed" part, which is partially because i am alone during those few moments and have too much opportunity to pick my body apart mentally.  i've discovered that my tummy fits perfectly into a niche between the frame and the mattress.  That's discouraging.  i tried moving down a bit and flattening myself right against the frame.  No luck.  Looks worse.  i gave up and now i simply stretch over the mattress (knees still on the floor) and rest my head in my hands, covering my eyes.  And wait.  

     i still feel a bit like a kid though, kneeling for prayers and waiting for a parental unit to come tuck me into bed.  (Himself is anything but a parent though!) On a more adult level it makes me feel much the same as i did when Master used my body as a foot rest one time.  Submissive, subservient, willingly used.  And i think the last part is the key for me.  Willingly used.  Not willfully or forcefully.  i willingly agree, accept and want all of what He does.  i made the choice.

     Those few moments kneeling in front of the bed  remind me of all this, and reinforces how good it makes me feel.  It also emphasizes both our chosen roles.  In a full time D/s relationship, i think that is essential.  It's too easy to get caught in the worries of the rest of our lives and lose sight of who we are.

     He never hurries the ritual either.  A few of the nights i knew how tired He was, and fully expected to find Him already in bed when i got into the room.  But He was waiting, and i knelt, and we took the time together to connect.

     Mostly i feel His hands running down my back and over my butt.  i'm pulled toward Him to lay over His lap, His hands heavy against my skin.  Sometimes we remain in this pose for minutes at a time, just breathing slowly and relaxing.  Other times He'll use a warm up flogger ... but lightly, just enough to make my skin tingle.  Then my hair will be pulled up and out of the way, and He attaches the collar.  Always are the whispered, gentle words; "get into bed".

     It's a time-out from the day.  A positive note before cuddling into sleep.  

     Something important for the both of us.