i have to write an invoice for the work i did on a webpage recently, and i am having the most difficult time doing it.  At first Master thought i didn't understand how to make an invoice, and went into a bit of detail trying to describe the process, while giving me a puzzled "this-is-easy" kind of look.  i had to assure Him that i knew exactly how the mechanics of invoicing works.  i've certainly made enough of them at the various places i have been employed.  But i was doing the billing for someone else.  Not me.  

     It's easy to do the money collecting when the value for the work done is already set in place.  i can remain totally impartial if there are complaints about the amount billed because the boss has already decided what he or his product is worth.   It's harder, when the value has to be placed on oneself.   Especially if one is not used to it.

     Perhaps this is an esteem issue cropping up to rear its ugly head once again.  i have issues with the idea of charging for something without having "credentials" to back up the fee.   Dancing through my mind is the idea that i'm not a professional in the business sense of the word, therefore don't have the right to setting a value on my learn-by-trial-and-error skill.  Yet i put in the time, i did the work, and it didn't get tossed back on my lap as *no good*.  Then why don't i feel like i earned the right to bill for it?  And why do i feel like my work isn't as good as the next persons?

     i think i am also struggling with the generous part of my nature.  i like to give people things.  i like to see the smile on their faces when i have been able to provide them with a small bit of pleasure in their life.  i remember my friend's face the day i gave her a ceramic elephant of mine, that she had always admired from afar.  She used to tease me, asking if i would leave it to her in my will.  Finally one day, totally at whim, i said to her; "you know?  i think i would like you to enjoy this elephant now."  And i gave it to her.  The excitement i saw in her eyes was all the thanks i needed.

     Now i do understand that this webpage designing is not exactly the same thing, but i have spent so much of my life giving, that i war with the "asking back" part.  And chanting "your work is worth it janine" doesn't seem to be helping much.  

     When am i going to learn to value myself? 

     ... shadoe