MARCH 19, 2000

     i'm still working the bugs out of this new design, but very quickly becoming more comfortable with it.  i like the white box for writing inside.   And i have had positive feedback, so maybe this time i will leave things alone and just continue on with the business of writing.  

     And getting back to "the project".  

     i am having such a hard time getting a "focus" on where i want to go with the project.  i did try writing a story once before..but it was more a cleansing sort of exercise than any real attempt at authoring.  And i am still at war with myself about my abilities.  i feel so "presumptuous" about myself, like i am being snotty for thinking that i have any talent for writing.  Does it really matter if i do or not if it gives me pleasure?  i suppose that is the crux of the matter ... doing something that i like as opposed to what i have to, or someone else expects of me.  And adjusting to the idea that it is okay to enjoy what i like without feeling guilty.

     i love it when Master does more micro-managing with me.  The other day, before He left the house, He instructed me to wear my denim dress.  Zing.  my head went instantly to a "good place" and i floated along for the rest of the day.  It wasn't a demand nor was it a request actually.  Just a simple statement, said in a matter-of-fact tone.  "Wear your denim dress today."  

     Later that evening, we did enjoy a scene together, but the feelings that simple sentence invoked in me left more of a lasting impression.  Feelings which are very similar to how i feel when i have cuffs around my ankles and wrists and sleep in them.  And similar to how i feel when He rests His hand, curled slightly, around my throat.    i am discovering that although we are now living 24/7 D/s,  when i don't get these types of reinforcements it is easy to get lost in the day to day realities of living.  Our time together was more constricted before, so things like running the house and working, were set aside as much as possible.   Now that there is more time for sharing, i am afraid we will get caught up in the "we can get to that laters".  And sometimes later never comes.  

     i think it is important to work hard at the lines of communication, teaching/learning, and feedback.  Not unlike a vanilla relationship perhaps, except that in my vanilla experiences, the relationship definitions got murky very quickly.  i also think it's important to maintain a consistency of expectations from each other.  Expectations of guidance and teaching, and learning for both participants.  And maintaining rituals.  Something that can be an anchor for the times when there is discourse (not that we wish for that!).  

     Hmmmm.  Rambling thoughts on a sunday morning.     

shadoe