APRIL 10, 2000
i
wish i had a band aid for all the hurts that my friends
have. i wish that i could place a large blanket of hugs
around their shoulders when the world seems upside down and all
wrong for them.
i
move along in my own little world, blithely unaware that others
might be struggling in their own versions of reality. And
then i won't have heard from someone, so go looking for them, only
to discover that they are bogged down in some new crisis. i
feel guilty for not being there for them.
i
have the overwhelming urge to make everything right. And i
know i can't ... not really. i can give encouraging words of
support and offer a shoulder. i feel even more guilty
because of possessing an optimistic nature; a nature that only
occasionally falls into the trap of depression.
For
me, a crisis is when i am restless. When i am pacing and
unsure of which direction to take next. i can be wholly
decisive or wholly indecisive, and nothing scares me more than
when i see several choices and yet cannot see which one is right
for me. And if there are too many choices, then i just back
away from the entire problem. It's just too much to deal
with and i will allow circumstances to decide for me. i
indulge in my "what's meant to be... " attitude.
Character flaw? Most likely. But so far it doesn't
seem a big enough issue that i need to deal with it. Yet i
wonder how it affects my relationships. How it affects my
jobs and my future as a whole. i've never had the drive, nor
the confidence, to be aggressive about getting what i want or what
i can do. But i can't honestly say i've been discontent with
what has come my way either.
Things always seem to come in a "what's meant to be"
way. And i do admit, that if something presents itself, i'll
take it and work with it to the best of my ability. Rise up
to the challenge and agonize over the last dotted
"i". But i don't have a burning desire to go out
there and conquer the world. i've always been content to be
the supporting player. The girl friday for DaBoss.
With a liberal amount of freedom to show what i can
do.
Mind switch. If i'm totally passive about my role in life,
then why am i so driven about the projects i am currently
working on?
Is
it possible to have a blend of type "a" and type
"b" personality?
Lately everything i write
in here seems so trite. i don't know why. It
just seems like i can't get my head around any great issues; can't
let myself get too deep. i mean, my first idea for today was
to tell about the cat catching a mouse in the middle of the night.
Well it WAS his first
ever mouse. i knew something was up when i awoke in the
middle of the night to the sounds of loud thumping and crashing
about. Somewhere in the back of my sleepy mind i thought;
"this is either the cat on steroids, or we have demons.
And i don't care how much i have to go to the bathroom, i'm not
leaving the safety of this bed."
Next thing i knew it was
morning and said cat was grooming himself at my feet. i hate
that! He cleans and cleans and shakes the bed and hogs the
space. i surreptitiously nudged him away, hoping Master
didn't notice because He and the cat have this brotherhood thing
happening (typical males). But He always does catch me and
this morning was no exception.
"Leave Spooker
alone," He said. "Quit kicking Him."
"i didn't kick
Him," i replied. "i just nudged."
Then Master, eyes still
closed says; "yes well, He is after all the one who killed
the mouse for us."
Killed the mouse?
my baby killed something? And i felt an overwhelming sense
of pride. i wanted to see this dead creature. i needed
to praise the feline executor of death. i very nearly broke
down and changed the pattern of his wet food treats in
reward!
Get a grip janine.
It's a cat. And a dead mouse. Lowly creatures of the
food chain.
See what i mean about
feeling trite these days?
(this actually looks a lot like Spooker)
shadoe
|
