APRIL 24, 2000
i'm always surprised when i
receive feedback from an entry i post here. Surprised and
pleased. Most of the time it feels as though i am alone with my
words, so i tend to forget that other people are actually out there and
reading what i write. i suppose that is a good thing however; the
journal does tend to be a release for me.
The following is a paragraph
from an email that one lovely lady wrote to me with regard to how i
explain what i "do":
"When people ask you what you do, imho*, hold your head
high, smile and tell them proudly that you are taking
some well deserved time to explore your interests and
pursue them. That you feel honored and privileged to
have this wonderful opportunity, and are not about to
waste it......"
This reader had explained how
she'd gone through similar emotions, when she was a stay-at-home mom,
during the burgeoning women's lib years. And had suffered the same
self-doubts. But she had gone on to explain further that, after a
time of apologizing, she finally questioned herself on what she was
actually apologizing for, when in reality her needs and her family's
needs, were being met. She was doing what was right for herself
and for them.
Her words reassured
me. They also made me look deeper into exactly how i feel
about not being in the work force at the moment. There were
times throughout the last twenty one years (my babies and
marriages era) that i had been unemployed. But only in the
broader definition of the word. Even when i wasn't receiving
a formal pay cheque, i was still doing "side"
jobs. Housecleaning, babysitting, hairdressing. All
for other people. And taking care of my family.
Then someone would offer me a position and i would be out in the
field again, sometimes juggling two or three jobs at a
time.
This validated my
existence. i can see that now. i felt i was
contributing, therefore i was worthy. If i could learn
something well enough to bring money into the house, then i had
value. So much of what i did in the past was based on my
level of self-esteem. Or lack thereof. And now there
is mourning for the moments that i missed as my children
grew. All the after-school chats that were shared with a
babysitter instead of with me. By the time i was in a
position to do that with them, they had found someone else to
share their chats with. And there is also mourning for all
the wasted years of just trying to make a buck, instead of being
decisive in what i wanted to do and well, just doing it.
i'm not being judgmental
about or against women who do enjoy working outside of the home.
i'm not even saying i don't enjoy working "out there"
because a lot of the time i do, if for no other reason than the
social interaction. i am suggesting however, that at
that time in my life, it wasn't always a good thing for me to be
doing, because it was for all the wrong reasons.
Yet the anxiety
remains. The anxiety that equates work with validity. That
wrestles with guilt if i don't get something accomplished in a
day. Where did that come from?
i need to accept that
what i am doing is exactly as my friend suggested: exploring my
interests and pursuing them. And i don't have to feel guilty
or lazy or less of a contributing part of society. i think i
also need to accept that perhaps this will be the hardest work i
have ever done. Hard because i have to answer to myself; my
inner "boss" who doesn't go home at the end of the
day. She floats around in my head and says "look who
you found today." And i can't ignore a boss who doesn't
leave.
Now if i could only find
a place for all the guilt i am suffering over this
self-indulgence. Or is it self-indulgent to have the guilt
in the first place?
Anyway, for now, i'm
staying at home, learning more about myself and writing. Not
too bad a path in my journey i guess :)
shadoe
*
imho = in my honest (or humble) opinion
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