APRIL 20, 2000

     Writing still overwhelms me.  Not too much in here, as i have found over time that the journal has gotten a bit easier.  But for other projects (no i haven't been back to "the project") i find myself second-guessing every dotted 'i' and crossed 't'.  Slowly but surely i am surrounding myself with how-to books and getting a better understanding of sentence structure.  i'm beginning to feel bogged down by precision though, instead of just letting an idea flow and correcting it later.  And i'm not sure how to change this new behaviour pattern.  

     Never in my wildest dreams did i think that i would embrace the part of my personality that truly loves learning.  Lately i've been feeling like a sponge; sucking up every bit of information i can find.  This isn't limited to just writing though.  i am overlapping into graphics programs and webpage making programs.  And learning about wine and art and haute cuisine (too nervous to try that yet!).  The list goes on.  Sometimes my mind is going in so many directions i lose track of where one lesson stops and another starts.  Then along comes another one, and i'm at it again.  Does it ever end?

     i've gotten more vocal as well.  There used to be a time, not so very long ago and taking up most of my life, when i wouldn't voice an opinion in a crowd of people who intimidated me, even if i was offered money for it.  Now.  Now i at least try.  i'm still pretty shaky about it all ... afraid that i will sound like an uneducated simpleton.  But as i digest all this new information, i am starting to feel more confident.  And i suppose i won't be the first person to blurb out the wrong thing at the right time.  Or vise versa.

     i am having difficulty describing to people what it is that i "do" however.   "Do" meaning career/job.  This past Saturday, at a birthday party we attended before going to Master's surprise party (that's another story for another time), i was asked by the host's son, what i "do".  i've gotten used to that question being asked at these swanky events Master keeps taking me too, (and i love going to!) but i have yet to come up with an answer that feels comfortable.  Apparently it is not okay to just be a "stay at home" person.  

     Responses i have tried:  

"i just left my job to move here, but i was doing computer/radio dispatch for XYZ Company yadda, yadda."  This seemed to satisfy the enquirer, and led into a discussion about the potential job market here.  However, it's been several months now, so i don't feel i can use this one anymore.

"i'm currently taking a short break and spending some time doing a little writing."  This to a published author, silly me! And i'd made it sound like a self-indulging hobby.  Hey, i had no idea ... even though i was standing in a room full of TV. personalities, politicians and artists of numerous varieties.  i can be pretty clueless at times.  

"Nothing."  Now that got a raised eyebrow response.  i did smile as i said it, and to her puzzled look, continued to explain that i was taking a hiatus at the moment, to pursue a few writing things i was trying to learn.

And this last time:

"i write."  There, i'd said it.  i hadn't hesitated, nor sounded doubtful.  However, the son then asked; "What do you write?"  And i choked.  i'm old enough to be his mother.  i can't tell him that to date i've only written erotica filled with D/s overtones.  Or that i maintain a journal about me and submission and how i like the feel of leather against my butt.  And i didn't have the confidence in myself to tell him that i am also doing webpage designs.  Even if i got paid for it.  

     So i literally choked, turned beet red, and looked at Master.   He must have recognized the begging in my eyes because He bailed me out of the situation, but not without a chuckle at my expense.  He also proceeded to tell the fellow that i do indeed write, submitting things to ezines, and that i design webpages.  He also explained that i am in denial about being a designer and an author of any sort.  The son nodded understandingly, and seemed somehow ... gentler ... with me after that.  Probably thinks i'm just some doddery old friend of his mothers' that he should be nice to now.  

     It's hard to explain that what i 'do' right now is just 'be' me. Something that i haven't done before.  And i'm finding that the social setting i am in greatly affects how i respond to the question.  If the setting is what i consider swanky, then i am totally intimidated.  i hope that part of me starts to improve soon.

     Is it okay to call oneself a writer even if the actual writing is only for personal pleasure?  Are you a writer if you never get published?  Or a poet or an artist or a singer or an actor, if no one ever sees your work?  i've spent so many years living in the technical realm of the world, that i haven't a clue how this artistic side even works!                    

   shadoe