APRIL 27, 2000

     Okay.  So it's half way through the day and i still haven't gotten a thing done.  Well, aside from more snuggling with Master, and breakfast, that is.  But now it's time to buckle down and get some work done.  i have so much going on at the moment however, that i find myself confused as to where i should start.  And the house is dirty again which, as always, makes me feel cluttered.  i wish i could get over that.  i've tried ignoring it, but then i find myself avoiding the room that contains the most mess (ie dishes or unmade bed).  In an space as small as this, it's hard to do!

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     i'm back.  A good long soak in the shower (we don't have a tub) and some laundry in the machine has made me feel like i got something done.  

     While i was in the shower, my mind started drifting back to yesterday's post, and in particular to the email about the skirt i made.  It struck me how easy it is for an adult to do damage to a young mind.  That teacher deliberately gave me a low mark because she believed i had not done the project by myself.  Why didn't she just call my parents and ask them?  Discreetly, behind my back even.  Why didn't she sit down with me and tactfully ask the kinds of questions that would give her the answers she needed?  But instead, she doubted me.  She assumed i had not made the skirt, and was lying about it.  She questioned my ability to be able to create something that good.  i wonder if she ever had any idea of what she did to my self esteem that day?  But then, how could she know how fragile it already was?  

     And now it is 28 years later and it is another of many memories that stay with me.  i have to learn to get past them; past the idea that the things i try to do - writing, or webpages or just being a good person - aren't good enough.  i have to understand that, while what i create might not "work" for one person, it might very well be exactly what the next three people want.  It's the "doing" that is important.  Not allowing the insecurities to stop that process.

     i seem to be really stuck on what i "do" these days.  Maybe it's time to smack myself upside the head and say "get over it, janine!"     

                 shadoe