June 8, 2000

i've been lost to the html gods again.  No time for writing, no time for the journal.  The moments that i have been pushing myself away from the machine have been used for getting some much needed fresh air and moving around.  But i'm learning new things and keeping my mind active, which are two very important items for me.

     It's scary business though, this freelance type, working at home thing.  i am used to leaving the house to go to whatever place i am employed at.  i am used to rushing about and feeling pressured, never having time to fit in all the details or feel there was time for *me*.   

     Now i have to find the discipline to make myself work, and the discipline of not allowing myself to panic about money issues.  And this is one area where i am glad to be in a D/s relationship.  i can depend on the idea that if i find myself drifting away into more leisurely things, or panicking about the nickels and dimes, Master will most likely point me back in the right direction.  But even better, because of the self-discipline He's taught me so far, i have the skill to know how to do it myself.  

     And when that doesn't work, there's always my guilt.  That usually motivates me in a big way.  Heh.

     But i admit to having an internal struggle about the idea of not contributing to the house on a regular basis.  It's not that i won't be contributing, it's just that i won't know the "when".  And that is something i am definitely not used to.  

     i found it totally disconcerting when Master asked me to join Him, to sit on the edge of the bed and have this discussion.  i wasn't expecting it and never would i have thought that someone would encourage me to set aside outside pressures in lieu of pursuing some dreams.  Some dreams and some hopes that the ideas i carry around in my head can actually grow and bear fruit.  (ick.. was that too cliche?)  No one's ever done that before.  

     My mind still wrestles with the idea.  My self-doubt rose quickly to the surface as the panicked thought "what if i'm not good enough ... " floated around when i heard His words.  But there was also a flicker of hope.  Of encouragement.  And a feeling of  total awe for this support i have been given.   

     i won't say i've never been given encouragement before.  But there were always conditions attached.  "You'd be really good at that ... but you shouldn't go there because you still have kids to feed ... "   "You'd be really good at that ... but your husband needs ... "   "You could try it but ... "   And on and on and on.  i always listened and did the *right* thing.  i shouldn't have

     Well i should have, because in the end it really did mean the kids could eat, and when it comes to my children i have no regrets.  

     Once all her children had grown and moved away, my mother had tons of time available for pursuing her dreams.   But instead, she concentrated on helping my father (not the biological one) to build houses.   It became their obsession.  When they weren't building, she would read or try to learn to cook new things.  Together, they kept busy, yet often she would complain that she was bored.  She was a very articulate woman who craved things that rural Ontario simply couldn't provide.  Yet she would never seek out other sources.  

     After dad died, it became worse.  She seemed incapable of motivating herself to build any kind of independent, fulfilling life.  It frustrated me greatly.  She did eventually meet another man, and moved closer to him, which also happened to be in the same city as me.  But this only increased my frustration level.  Now i watched her do nothing more in a day than dress up nicely, then sit and wait for this man to call.  She would literally wait beside the phone for days on end.  She told her grandchildren, on a regular basis, not to use the phone in case he called.  Her life began and ended according to their shared outings. 

     It drove me crazy.  Finally she was in a place where all the creative resources she said she always craved and wanted were readily available to her.  Yet, she did not pursue them.  i felt selfish in my whimpering jealousy, as i openly stated i would do nearly anything to have that kind of opportunity.   

     Why'd i write about all this just now?  i haven't a clue.  

     Maybe it's because i don't want to waste any time.  Or maybe because i am so grateful for the gift of time that i've been given, time to fill with some of my dreams.