June 4, 2000

i did it!  i finally, finally used the subway by myself.  i don't like it.  

     It's underground, people watch you get on and off, i haven't a clue what's north or south which means i'm totally disoriented, i don't like the way the floor just stops, ends in a drop at the tracks.  However, i did figure out how to elbow the guy who was blocking the doorway, preventing me from getting off.  Heh.  Rant over.  i'm proud of me, Master was proud of me, shimmer was proud of me.  i got *me* where i needed to be, and had the pleasure of a nice dinner with her, and watching Master in a play reading afterwards.

     All in all, a good experience.

     i loved watching Himself in the play reading.  Listening to His voice and watching the gestures He makes with His hands.  i had to smile, as recently someone asked me if a certain gesture she has noticed Him do, is one that is done frequently.  And while i watched Him that night, i did indeed notice that He does it often.  He lifts His right arm and brings His index finger and thumb together, pinky finger slightly apart and raised, whenever He's emphasizing a point.  

     He also argued with the "wife" in the play, the same way that He does with me.  Now that i'm wise to that, i'll be suspicious in future, wondering if He's serious or acting.  

     The last few nights, at bedtime i've been instructed to undress and kneel at the foot of the bed and wait for Him.  The first two times He was specific in the telling.  i was told to remove my shirt (and given hell for still having a bra on so late) and then to go to the bedroom.  Last night i had gone into the bedroom already and undressed, then hesitated, unsure of whether or not i was to repeat the previous evenings.  i turned toward the door and the words; "should i ... " were barely passing my lips when He walked by and with a motion of His wrist and pointing finger, indicated i was to get on my knees.  He moved on, and i knelt and waited.

     When He returned, like the previous evenings, He placed the scene collar (picture in the bloodstone logo below) around my neck before letting me into the bed.  

     i love kneeling like this, and holding my head down over His knee.  i love the feel of His hands against my hair, moving it out of the way, and against my neck.  i like hearing Him say "... now into bed ... " and the way i feel almost childlike when i crawl up onto it.  And then snuggling, but with the added dimension of the collar firmly pressed against my neck.  

     i wish i could find better words to describe how it feels.  Secure, wanted, protected, loved.  Those are good ones.  Submissive is the most accurate though.  Just very intensely submissive.    

     i like not having to hide that part of me anymore.