July 28, 2000

Last day!  Himself should be home later this afternoon and thank gawd for that!  i had no idea i would miss Him this much.  The loneliness i felt last year, when He'd be gone on projects and i hadn't moved here yet, is nothing compared to how this time has been.  i've been totally listless and out of sorts since He left.

     Loving someone that much scares me.

     And i've said that to Him before.  "i love You too much."  Yet i can't stop it, nor do i want to.

     Letting someone in that deeply to the inside me is not easy however.  i've never done it before.  Not to this degree.  Not since as a young child i learned that loving unconditionally meant being hurt and disappointed by the very people a child should be able to trust the most.

     And i find that odd, that i just combined trust and love in the same thought pattern.  Maybe that's the significance.  When i say that loving Him too much scares me, perhaps i also mean trusting someone that much is the scarey part as well.

     Maybe i've learned to allow myself to love Him this much, because i've learned to trust Him even more.  Maybe i'm learning to not be so afraid of trusting people.  Or perhaps it is just that i've learned to deal with the disappointment if someone lets me down, and i can see that it's not to be taken personally.  That it's not my fault and i don't have to examine every nuance to find out what i might have done wrong.  It almost seems egotistical to assume that another person's digressions toward me, might have anything to do with me at all.  

     Yet every time i trust, every time i love deeply (my children not included in this equation of course) i end up at some point feeling, or getting, bitten.  

     Maybe the fear is a residual of my past, and of my childhood.  Will it ever go away completely?  But a large part of it must be gone; how else have i gotten to this depth of feeling about Him?  How else have i trusted enough to allow Him the rights to do what He wishes with my body?  And with my soul.

     i haven't a clue where all these thoughts came from just now.  Sometimes things just tumble out.  Sometimes i think i analyze where none is needed.

     Is it really important as to the why's and why nots of how i've come to this point in my life?  i don't think i'd have gotten here if i'd remained in the so-called vanilla life i was leading.  i do believe D/s is a huge contributing factor of progression for me.  And the fit of the 'circle' Master and i share.

     Maybe i don't love Him too much at all.  Maybe it's just the right amount :)    

... more tomorrow