October 6, 2000

Issue #4 of the ezine is done and uploaded finally, and i'm able to relax for about a week before the panic of what to put in the next one hits.  But it seems that people are liking what has been put in the 'zine and i haven't produced a total flop.  i can see where some bugs need to be worked on, and i'm already considering a new design layout.  By issue #6 i'll know if there's enough readers to keep on going.

      i sure hope there will be.                                      

      Master has gone to a seminar this weekend, and it's horribly quiet in the apartment without Him here.  He speaks of psychic space, the space a person fills in a room and i think i understand now what He means.  The house seems emptier. Like there is a huge gap that needs to be filled, a void of nothingness, where only moments before it had been teeming with life. 

      i think i get maudlin when i'm alone.

      On the upside however, both my kids are coming to visit tomorrow and i'll be cooking thanksgiving dinner for them.  Or at least trying to, given that their palates are the fussiest ones i've ever encountered.  But at least my daughter shares my love for pumpkin pie!  So far i know she'll eat the pie and mashed potatoes if i cook them without the skins.  And boneless chicken IF the bones are gone before the chicken is bought.  She claims to still *taste* the bone if the meat is boned and skinned at home.  

      i know.  i don't get it either.

      My mind keeps drifting back to a scene Master and i had about a week ago. (before our knife adventure!)  i think the reason i keep focusing on it is because He tried a soft, nylon dance-type hood on me, and had me bound in a position we haven't tried before.  

      i was led to the bed and turned to get on it, face down, but still in 'doggy' position.  Master then proceeded to fasten each of my wrists to it's corresponding ankle.  i was more than a bit surprised at how vulnerable i felt in this position.  He then placed some pillows between my now bent knees and chest, so that i could rest my upper body on them.  This also kept me from toppling over onto my head!

      As usual i had my eyes closed, so didn't know what it was that i could hear Him trying to open.  It sounded like plastic and i remember cringing, wondering if it was a rubber glove and what exactly He intended.  i was wrong.  It was the wrapping over a nylon hood.  This hood resembles a bella clava (spelling?), in that it completely covers the head, except for an opening for the eyes.  It is specifically designed for dancers, but for scene purposes it is put on the head backwards.  

      He put it on me and i tensed.  i felt panicked.  i felt like i might not be able to breathe and within seconds i came close to safewording, something i've never done in a scene.  But then i heard the 'whingah, whingah, whingah" of a toy cutting through the air, and the first zing on my butt and my thoughts quickly left the initial panic.  

      i still kept my eyes closed, but without any effort at all.  Occasionally i'd feel my lids lifting and a soft diffusion of light would filter in, but the sense of being in an ethereal place was strong.  At one point, my mind was totally empty save for the tones of a song on the cd player, and the pleasure/pain flickering over my skin.  It seemed as though i was in a cocoon.

      Later, Master commented that He was surprised i didn't struggle to remove the hood as quickly as possible after the scene.  But i didn't.  He'd unfastened the cuffs from each other and covered me with a blanket.  i don't know how long it was before i came back, i just remember drifting here and there in my mind and occasionally dozing.  In fact, it's been a long time since i've gone that 'deep'.  The hood helped keep the world out.

      i loved the calmness; the sense of being 'out of myself', away from pressures and worries and feelings of hopelessness and aging and all those other things we seem to get through in our lives.  i love that He can put me there.  i love that i can trust Him that much to know how, and feel safe with Him.  

      And at the risk of getting too soppy, i'll go now and snuggle into the blankets and count the hours till He gets back.