October 17, 2000

i wish it weren't so dreary outside now.  Even though i'm inside a lot, having a bit of sunshine streaming through the windows is so much nicer than this icky grayness we are having now.  And not being able to see the top of the CN Tower is a bit disconcerting.  

      Maybe it's just restlessness because it's my time of the year for fog.  And i'm missing it.  It's weird, the things that get missed.  i don't want to be back where i was just a short year ago, but part of 'there' is still in me i suppose.

      And i'll leave the subject alone for now, lest i get maudlin or mooky, as Master refers to it.

      We formatted this machine the other day.  Or rather i should say Master did; i sat and watched, not willing to risk breaking anything.  And it does seem to be running better.  But now i live in fear of loading in the wrong thing and hearing the  familiar ka-thunk as a program opens.  Some days i wonder what i was ever thinking when i got involved with computers at all.  'Course i wouldn't be here now without one.  Or the subject of small town gossip.

      Apparently i've been painted as the scarlet woman.  i left my poor unfortunate husband (i'm going to gag now) and my children (who didn't live with me and are 18 and 20 in two short months ... mere babies yet!), and a lovely home and a job to run away with ... gasp! ... some black guy in Toronto that i met through the internet.  Don'tcha know.

      Well, so shoot me!  

       It really rankles me though.  i'd hoped for better out of the ex, and the fact that he's pulling the poor me routine, apparently giving details of our separation agreement and emphasizing only what i "took", not how much he actually got and i lost!  i took a rather large cut in what was entitled to me, mostly because i had a strong sense of guilt for not being able to love him.   i hate hurting anyone.  Apparently that wasn't good enough.  

      And i'm always amazed at how much worth people place on a house.  So i should have stayed because it had a great backyard, dishwasher and huge master bedroom?  i didn't even sleep in there ... i had my own room.  i'll admit the job was pretty good ... my own office, working hours that allowed me to come here for a visit.  But it was not the type of job that would be there four years later.  It just wasn't worth sacrificing another few years and suffering the pain of leaving here every Sunday night, just to count hours until i could get back.

      The only part of the small town gossip that has settled onto me like an itchy wool sweater, is the fact that i've been accused of leaving my kids.  i am sure that they know better, and in fact my son was surprised i'd stayed in the town and the marriage as long as i had.   They've never given me any reason to believe that they feel i 'left' them, or that they were upset with me coming to live here.   i've always received positive reinforcement from them.

      Yet, someday, somehow, some jerk is going to say; "oh i remember your mother ... she's the one that ran away and left you behind ..."  And i wonder how they will handle it.  Will it hurt them then?  Or have i raised them well enough that they will be able to see the jerk for what he/she is.  A gossip monger ... small minded.  

      There's a saying i used to quote.  "If they aren't talking about me, they'd be talking about someone else."  And i know that's all true.  It still really bugs me though.

      It's been a year already.  Aren't they bored with it yet?  Or should i just look at this as my proverbial fifteen minutes of glory?  In a small town in southern Ontario, i will be remembered.

Note:  i left the second quote up today ... it seemed to fit with what i just wrote about :)