October 29, 2000

So here's a conundrum.  my son is coming to visit tomorrow, and will be staying until Friday.  He wants to check out the job situation up here, and perhaps move into the city.   Maybe even go back to school, which is what i really, really hope He decides to go for.  And i'd love to have him closer by!

      The conundrum is:  Master and i had been discussing the idea of going to a fet night that friends of ours particularly like, this Tuesday evening.  It's a goth sort of place, and apparently very friendly, and with it being Halloween as well, it sounded like a fun thing to do.  my problem is, i'm not sure how much i want to share with my son when it comes to some of the more ... hmm... words fail me, but perhaps 'graphic' will work ... aspects of "what it is that we do".  Basically what this means is taking him to a munch was one thing.  But do i really want him to see me on a cross?  

      i have a gazillion questions and reservations going through my mind.  i am not so naive that i think my son isn't aware his mother has sex.  But it feels like having him seeing me in a scene is exposing him to my sexuality in a non-consensual way.  Like i'm shoving my sexuality in his face.  i'm not comfortable with that.  And even though a lot of our scenes don't have sex involved, they are still very sensual.  And i'm nearly naked, wearing only a thong and waist cincher. i'm afraid that might embarrass him.

      So, we could still go and bring him along, and not scene.  But then there is the idea that perhaps i'm exposing him to something he's not ready for.  Exposing him to something he's not ready to understand yet.  And he might think i'm perverted in a negative way.  i don't want my child thinking of me with any sort of disdain.  

      And do i have the right to expect him to be open minded just because i embrace a way of life most of society doesn't understand?  If he is meant to participate in any of this in his own personal life, isn't it better to find his own way to it?  i'd hate to think i pushed him.  

       On the flip side, he is generally very open and very cool and non-judgmental of what other people want or do.  He's also a bit kinky in his own way.  He's pierced in several places and has tattoos.  He's aware of my D/s relationship, at least on an intellectual level, and we've talked about it.  We are basically very comfortable discussing all sorts of life things with each other.  And he blended in quite easily when we took him to the munch.

      Maybe i'm just being paranoid.