November 13, 2000

So, for the first time in a very long while, i find myself not feeling well.  It’s nothing specific ... just a general malaise which causes me to feel cold and achy and baggy eyed.  The sort of sick that results in not caring about hair that is pointed in every direction; a wild tangled disarray that matches the dark circles ringing each eye.

     i’ve tried to convince myself that having a shower would make me feel better.  i even know that i’m probably right.  But the thought of the cold air hitting my body when i crawl out from under the warm spray is a deterrent.  Especially since my feet refuse to lose their chill in spite of the layers of blankets over them.  Hopefully none of this lasts very long.

     i’m not very good at being a sick person.  Although i’m sure i’m not alone in that fact.  But some people do seem to be able to take illness in their stride, accepting that it is just something to endure and patiently wait out. i’m not like that.  It annoys me that illness has the audacity to even find me in the first place.  Then i get impatient and annoyed with myself for not being able to control it and get on with what i want to do in the day.  And it’s bloody inconvenient when i’ve already made plans for that day.

     And then there is the feeling of being unproductive. i don’t handle that very well at all.  Which probably explains why i am snuggled under the mountain of blankets, lap top in hand, attempting to write some sort of decent post.  Trying not to feel sorry for myself as i listen to Master chatting away with someone online.  An obviously healthy someone, the lucky devil.

     On the upside (He did tell me long ago to look for something i’ve learned in every situation) i am enjoying wearing one of His shirts to help get warm, and was fed a nice breakfast.  Even though my appetite is barely present.  But i’m not used to being able to just shut the world out and indulge in an off day without some sort of reprisal, be it financial as in missing work, or emotional as in getting grumpy ‘cause the family still demanded attention.  You know ... that "mom/wife never gets sick" syndrome.  And in truth, emotional also because sometimes in the past, the illness would be self-induced ... the hangover from hell thing.  All of the above reasons usually had me wracked up in guilt.  And i would keep that guilt inside, not telling anyone about it and getting testy instead.

     Illness without guilt is a whole new concept. i think i like it. Now, if my feet would only warm up ...