January
3, 2001
i didn't sleep very long and now i'm back
here again, trying to continue writing. So far i'm
not succeeding.
All the
"rule" books say that one should write something
- anything - everyday. It helps to get in the habit
of writing - instead of struggling with the technique
every time, one can allow creativity to flow instead,
because the 'habit' has become well formed. And i
suppose i've gotten away from doing that for awhile
now. Between webdesigns and the ezine and then the
holidays and my son being here for a month, it has all
added up to me not writing very much. And now i'm
struggling just trying to get one sentence at a time typed
out. The story is in me - i just can't grasp the
direction it needs to go to be interesting.
i could go back
to how i'd started it a long time ago, when i first
presented it to Master in snippets of emails - but i know
the result will be one long and continuous monologue of
'and this is what happened next'. And reworking what
i've already done never comes out the way i think it
should. It just feels 'flat' somehow.
Oh well, at least
writing in here helps me focus a bit.
i
think part of my restlessness of late has been a result of
not having a lot of the mind and physical elements of our
D/s relationship indulged. It's been a rather dry few
months in fact.
We'd just finished having our first monthly meeting and
came away from it feeling very satisfied with the results,
when my son moved in. So needless to say, it was a
bit difficult to do anything more than a bit of polite protocol.
i was told to wear the day cuffs only once in fact.
i still tried to remember things like removing my bra by 8
p.m., and giving Himself a nice kiss while serving tea
with two hands - all the usual things - but i didn't get a
strong sense of His ownership or any kind of reciprocation
and assurances. And that is not His fault, since
it's pretty darn hard for Him to say 'please kneel' when
my son is hanging about.
And then after my son moved to his own place, i got
sick. Then the holidays were upon us and more family
was about. Scening of any intensity was virtually
non-existant, but understandable under the
circumstances. When we finally had the house back to
some sort of normalcy, Master organized a full scene one
morning (complete with starting in the bedroom and
continuing to the beams in the living room - yumm!)
Unfortunately it didn't turn out as well as expected,
since i got dizzy and had to be taken down rather
quickly. i was literally starting to black out - my
vision going dark - and ended up a bit shaky and crying on
the floor. Since then we've talked to others to find
out if this has happened to them and it turns out that
it's very common and usually caused by either endorphin
overload or the need for a sugar fix.
It
seems to me that it must be harder for a dominant to
maintain rituals in an everyday environment, since
protocol and routines generally seem to be the
submissive's responsibility and is in fact emphasized
during training. We are taught to serve the wants
and needs of our Dominant, how to feel comfortable with,
and express, our submissive nature in a way that can
please us both. Yet in a 24/7 environment it's hard
to maintain all the rituals if one doesn't feel they are
getting anything back. But how do you express that
without it appearing to be topping from the bottom? And
express it in such a way that it doesn't seem like
sniveling or total lack of appreciation for all the good
things that are happening. (ie the poem of
yesterday :)
Yet i miss the days when i was used as a footstool.
i miss not knowing what He'd think of next, yet did know something
was about to be thought of. i think in a 24/7
environment it's too easy to put things off until the next
day. But that next day becomes the next one, and
then the next one - and suddenly an entire month has gone
by. Not a bad month - there's always lots of hugs
and affection and sharing of regular things. Just a
month where we haven't had a good long scene - or i
haven't been asked to kneel beside Him. No
surprises.
Part of the problem i think is that i need the
reinforcement of the outward signs. i need more than
just knowledge that my submission pleases Him. i'm
very happy and very content to serve - but a simple
gesture such as His hand holding my throat in the special
way He does, just simply brightens up my day and i believe
puts both our minds into a good space.
As
i'm sitting here contemplating all this and trying to
figure out where i'm going with it, it has occurred to me
that i like the work of D/s. And when a long spell
goes by of not being ordered to do something other
than our established rituals, then i get anxious. i
start to feel like an automaton. Then, when
seemingly out of the blue i get an order, i feel my
hackles rise. It's sort of like "what do you
mean? i've been going along making my own decisions again
because you've not been making them for me, and suddenly
i'm expected to revert back?" That gets really
confusing.
i
don't know. Maybe i'm just thinking selfishly.
Maybe i'm being unrealistic - after all, everyone knows
the honeymoon only lasts so long before the real work of a
relationship starts. But here is an example of something i
think gets lost too easily: i like to be told occasionally
exactly which outfit to wear. Yes i know what it is
He prefers me to wear - but every once in awhile i need
the reinforcement of actually being told. i need to
hear the words; "wear a dress and no bra
today."
What words does He need to hear? Is 'yes, Sir' even
enough?
Is
it topping from the bottom if i am the one requesting a
meeting? Are submissives allowed to do that, or
are we supposed to wait for our Dominant to initiate
one? Or this yet another of those 'according to the
dynamics of the relationship' things that have to be
decided upon as they come along?
And so begins my quest to describe what it's really like
to live 24/7.
Note: i've archived the last year -
see the link "2000"
in the left margin :)
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