January 3, 2001

i didn't sleep very long and now i'm back here again, trying to continue writing.  So far i'm not succeeding.

     All the "rule" books say that one should write something - anything - everyday.  It helps to get in the habit of writing - instead of struggling with the technique every time, one can allow creativity to flow instead, because the 'habit' has become well formed.  And i suppose i've gotten away from doing that for awhile now.  Between webdesigns and the ezine and then the holidays and my son being here for a month, it has all added up to me not writing very much.  And now i'm struggling just trying to get one sentence at a time typed out.  The story is in me - i just can't grasp the direction it needs to go to be interesting.  

     i could go back to how i'd started it a long time ago, when i first presented it to Master in snippets of emails - but i know the result will be one long and continuous monologue of 'and this is what happened next'.  And reworking what i've already done never comes out the way i think  it should.  It just feels 'flat' somehow.  

     Oh well, at least writing in here helps me focus a bit.

     i think part of my restlessness of late has been a result of not having a lot of the mind and physical elements of our D/s relationship indulged. It's been a rather dry few months in fact.

     We'd just finished having our first monthly meeting and came away from it feeling very satisfied with the results, when my son moved in.  So needless to say, it was a bit difficult to do anything more than a bit of polite protocol.  i was told to wear the day cuffs only once in fact.  i still tried to remember things like removing my bra by 8 p.m., and giving Himself a nice kiss while serving tea with two hands - all the usual things - but i didn't get a strong sense of His ownership or any kind of reciprocation and assurances.  And that is not His fault, since it's pretty darn hard for Him to say 'please kneel' when my son is hanging about.

     And then after my son moved to his own place, i got sick.  Then the holidays were upon us and more family was about.  Scening of any intensity was virtually non-existant, but understandable under the circumstances.  When we finally had the house back to some sort of normalcy, Master organized a full scene one morning (complete with starting in the bedroom and continuing to the beams in the living room - yumm!)  Unfortunately it didn't turn out as well as expected, since i got dizzy and had to be taken down rather quickly.  i was literally starting to black out - my vision going dark - and ended up a bit shaky and crying on the floor.  Since then we've talked to others to find out if this has happened to them and it turns out that it's very common and usually caused by either endorphin overload or the need for a sugar fix.   

     It seems to me that it must be harder for a dominant to maintain rituals in an everyday environment, since protocol and routines generally seem to be the submissive's responsibility and is in fact emphasized during training.  We are taught to serve the wants and needs of our Dominant, how to feel comfortable with, and express, our submissive nature in a way that can please us both.  Yet in a 24/7 environment it's hard to maintain all the rituals if one doesn't feel they are getting anything back.  But how do you express that without it appearing to be topping from the bottom? And express it in such a way that it doesn't seem like sniveling or total lack of appreciation for all the good things that are happening.  (ie the poem of yesterday :)

     Yet i miss the days when i was used as a footstool.  i miss not knowing what He'd think of next, yet did know something was about to be thought of.  i think in a 24/7 environment it's too easy to put things off until the next day.  But that next day becomes the next one, and then the next one - and suddenly an entire month has gone by.  Not a bad month - there's always lots of hugs and affection and sharing of regular things.  Just a month where we haven't had a good long scene - or i haven't been asked to kneel beside Him.  No surprises.  

     Part of the problem i think is that i need the reinforcement of the outward signs.  i need more than just knowledge that my submission pleases Him.  i'm very happy and very content to serve - but a simple gesture such as His hand holding my throat in the special way He does, just simply brightens up my day and i believe puts both our minds into a good space.

     As i'm sitting here contemplating all this and trying to figure out where i'm going with it, it has occurred to me that i like the work of D/s.  And when a long spell goes by of not being ordered to do something other than our established rituals, then i get anxious.  i start to feel like an automaton.  Then, when seemingly out of the blue i get an order, i feel my hackles rise.  It's sort of like "what do you mean? i've been going along making my own decisions again because you've not been making them for me, and suddenly i'm expected to revert back?"  That gets really confusing.

     i don't know.  Maybe i'm just thinking selfishly.  Maybe i'm being unrealistic - after all, everyone knows the honeymoon only lasts so long before the real work of a relationship starts. But here is an example of something i think gets lost too easily: i like to be told occasionally exactly which outfit to wear.  Yes i know what it is He prefers me to wear - but every once in awhile i need the reinforcement of actually being told.  i need to hear the words; "wear a dress and no bra today."  

     What words does He need to hear?  Is 'yes, Sir' even enough?

     Is it topping from the bottom if i am the one requesting a meeting?  Are submissives allowed to do that, or are we supposed to wait for our Dominant to initiate one?  Or this yet another of those 'according to the dynamics of the relationship' things that have to be decided upon as they come along?

     And so begins my quest to describe what it's really like to live 24/7.    

Note:  i've archived the last year - see the link "2000" in the left margin :)