January 12, 2001

Five more days and my daughter will be 18.  And every time i think of it, i feel that much older.  What was i doing at that age?    

      i remember my birthday only vaguely.  my parents gave me a watch and my older brother gave me a small charm that read "18 and legal".  And if i remember correctly, i was treated to a drink of some sort. (i hadn't yet developed a taste for beer which was their beverage of choice)

      Since my hasty departure one night, when my father decided in a drunken rage that both my mother and i should be smacked for her illicit affair (unbeknown to me, she'd hidden love letters in my dresser) i'd been living in a rooming house and working in a restaurant.  Both my parents were still upset with me for not going back home and my father had warned me that i'd starve.  i think that moment was the first time i got truly stubborn and copped my 'oh yeah?' attitude - the first time that little bit of steel in my personality revealed itself.  i'd calmly looked him in the eye and said; "no i won't.  And by my eighteenth birthday i'll have $1,000.00 in the bank."  A lot of money in 1975. 

      The day i turned 18 i handed my father my bankbook.  i had $1,100.00 in the bank.  

      One month later, i joined a government youth program and went to Indonesia. And that's a whole other story.  But reflecting back now, i wish i'd had the maturity and the self esteem i needed to keep that edge of steel working.  i think the paths i eventually walked might not have been so bumpy.  

      Unlike me at that age, my daughter seems to have a clearly defined sense of self - with only minor insecurity blips to overcome.  Maturity should help with that.  

       Like me at that age, my daughter has a really nice figure and *sigh* a flat tummy.  Hee, hee - maturity should help with that as well.  

       (okay i'm slapping my fingers for not being nice!)

       And like me at that age, she's weighing some options on what she wants to do with her life.  i hope she takes her time and makes her decisions carefully.  'Cause once they are made, it takes a long time to undo them if they weren't the right ones in the first place.  That's a life lesson i've learned the hard way.

      Can i say these things to her and have her understand?  Or will i just come off as interfering and preachy?  i don't know.  But i think i need to try.