February 4, 2001

i forgot just how tired i get when starting back to work again.  i think exhausted is probably a better description this time!  Just baffed!  Dragging my butt home, my eyes drooping (actually closed a few times) while i'm still on the streetcar.  Where's all that energy i had only ten years ago, when i was working two jobs and going to school? i know i'll get acclimatized again - but somehow i don't think i'm physically capable of the days of double jobs and learning anymore.   'Course that might be a good thing in it's own way since it probably wasn't the healthiest thing i did for myself. 

     Heh.  The years of beer and bikes has evolved into vitamins and the transit system.   And i'm now more settled and at peace with myself than i'd have ever thought possible.  Too weird.

     i'll be glad when i'm used to the pace again though - my other projects are simmering on a back burner, waiting for me.  And they are all too important to me to simply give up.   The ezine, trying to get back to writing - maintaining this journal - and my relationship (numero uno!) - have to have equal priority. i've come to the conclusion that in order to balance everything i need to either work exclusively part time for one place, or 'career' temp.  If i did the latter, i'd be able to take off time in between jobs.  i think it would help me feel less pressured as well.  And less bored.  i've discovered that 'sameness' drives me crazy after awhile.  

     Maybe that's why i like living with Master so much - i never know what He's going to hit me with next.  (No pun intended *g*)

     i think He's been giving this lifestyle change a bit of thought over the past week though.  He also went out for breakfast with another dominant friend and it seems they had a good brain storming session.  i often wonder if i should be worried after these rounds of grand scheming!

     i'm getting the impression however, that as i branch away from the house a bit, the emphasis is being placed on strengthening our D/s even more.  And i think that's a good thing.  Two examples:

     Himself has decided that since i'm not home for our ritual of afternoon tea, then the two days that i am here (weekends) should be approached in a stronger manner.  In the past, i would make the tea and then serve it (often with cookies), give Him a kiss, and we would then proceed to sit side by side at our computers and read our email companionably.  Still sharing, but with split attention.  For people with tv's, it would equate to watching your favourite show together.

     But we can't do this anymore.  So Himself has decided that on the weekends we will continue with the tea time, but instead of involving the computers, He will sit on the couch and i will kneel/sit on a cushion at His feet, (knowing me i'll end of draping my arms over His knees - i like doing that) and we will spend the time focusing on each other.  In a lot of ways i can see how this is going to be much, much better.  

     He has made one other hmmmm ... demand? i'm not sure that's quite the word i'm looking for because it suggests harshness and that's not the way it is intended at all.  But it is something i do have difficulty with and i know it's directly related to my perceptions of myself - my age and my body.  He's instructed me (rather emphatically in fact) to be more slutty.  Specifically He had me pinned underneath Him, His hand at my throat, His voice low and harsh in my ear, His ... never mind; you get the idea - we were in bed after all.  

     And He said i was to start exposing my genitals more often - to present myself to Him.  i am also to start doing more (as shimmer so nicely put it :) body worshipping.  On His body.  Not mine - i'm still not allowed to masturbate.  

     Y'know, ten years ago this all might have been a lot easier.  i seem to be stuck on the ten years ago thing today.  But if i'm honest with myself, it probably wouldn't have been.  Yes, i was that much younger and my body was tighter and i wore mini skirts and looked deliciously trampy (i really did have fun with it!)  But i never got past the self-consciousness of actually doing the types of things Himself is asking of me.  

     Somewhere in my brain it's screaming "you are going to make a fool of yourself!  you are too old to be running around acting like a slut - you are going to look stupid!"

     i remember a woman who never realized she'd gotten old i think.  She was well into her late 60's, yet carried on like she still had the beauty of her 20's.  She dyed her hair a brassy red, she wore short, short skirts and often a feather type boa around her shoulders.  She would sashay up to the men and flip that boa at them and wiggle her butt and flirt outrageously.  People were kind and humoured her.  Then rolled their eyes behind her back.  

     Ok.  So she was a drunk too.  But still, i have a morbid fear of making a fool of myself exactly like that!

     Yet i know that when Master makes a request such as this one, He's also showing me that He has needs as well.  It's not just to merely demonstrate authority.  So somewhere in all this i have to get over my self-consciousness and do as He has instructed.  

     i guess because He loves me, He views me a lot differently than i see myself.  i was taught that appearance was everything and that only young and beautiful had worth.  And i know that's wrong - but it's not easy to forget.  Yet i think i'm beginning to understand that we can still find each other desirable - and can show that desire - no matter what our age.  It's a hard concept to work around though.      

#number two quote seems to work with this post  :)