February 8, 2001

Day 9 (of the work calendar) and noon hour. 

     And so the world of working 'out there' continues.  i'm starting to adjust a bit, but getting out of bed before the sun does still really bites.  It doesn't help that i leave behind a long, lean male body - all that warm skin and no time to indulge  in my favourite morning pastime.

     It sure didn't help this morning when i looked outside to discover a raging blizzard happening.  i immediately scrapped the idea of having a good hair day.  

     Getting to the gym has evolved into Saturday and Sunday mornings and i know that just isn't often enough.  During the week i'm beginning to feel the lack of exercise settle over me like a heavy blanket.  At the end of each day i feel bloated everywhere, from sitting so long.  There are spurts of movement as i dash back and forth to the printer - but by the time i get home i'm too tired to move anymore.

     It's hard forcing my brain into a changeable learning pattern again.  Even though i was still learning at home - new ways to design websites or make graphics - the learning centered around that particular topic.  Yet in order to do temp work i need to be able to learn a lot of different things, and very quickly in order to be a benefit to the people i'm with that week.  i have to accept the fact that even though i might be at a job for only a few weeks at a time, i have to learn my tasks as though i'll be doing them for much longer.  i mentioned something about this the other day, to Master; the fact that once each job is finished, my head will be filled with a great deal of information that becomes instantly useless.  Too weird.

     i miss getting the afternoon tea ready.

     i love coming home to a nice hot cup of it made by Himself though.  He did that yesterday.  And He's on a kitchen quest these days, He says to keep busy.  i'm gaining weight just remembering some of the things He's cooked so far.  Roasted chicken and tourtiere and homemade mushroom soup are just a few of the latest indulgences. The only drawback is that He's been so busy that He's exhausted and our dinners aren't as much about the visiting afterward.  We still lower the lights and have candles (no wine since the brandy episode however) but it seems like no time at all before the food is done and bedtime is close.  Perhaps we should try moving our dinner time up a half hour.

     i guess i'm in a type of withdrawal.  the first week of working again, was very much like an adventure.  This second week has settled into a routine and the reality has kicked in.  i'm not complaining as such though.  Just adjusting.  But the worry has begun that my working will have a negative effect on our relationship.  The money won't.  It's needed - as much for my own feelings of self worth as for helping pay my share of the bills.  

     Yet i can't help thinking that Himself is feeling just a teeny edge of resentment. Or perhaps a better way of putting it is a feeling of being deserted.  Which is so 'not' what i'm trying to do with all this.  i'm doing it for 'us'.  i hope i'm doing what's right.  But it has turned both our world's upside down a bit.

     Okay, obviously i'm having a pensive day so far.  It probably ties in with the weather and the number of people they actually crammed into the street car today.   And the fact that i'm fondly remembering the days of wearing the heavy old robe with the rip in it's side - snuggled safe and warm - while everyone else battled the snowflakes.

     Now i'm sitting in an office on the seventh floor of a building, listening to the snow change to sleet and beat against the window.

     Did i ever mention i'm afraid of heights?    

      One hour later     i'm jotting down these thoughts that just drifted through my mind on a yellow sticky note.  

      ... sometimes i feel like i am boring Him.  i feel like He has a sense of missing something - of needing more - like i'm not challenging anymore; not fresh and new and needing help - like the return to work puts me in a new independent space that makes Him lose that sense of being able to protect and guide.  And yet, when i am at my most independent, i am more vulnerable.  How do i help Him understand that?

      And then i thought; " ... maybe He already does ... "

      9:05 p.m.   And i'm convinced He read my brain today.  Dinner was early, partly because He had to go out, but extra time was made for talking and visiting.  We hugged a lot and expressed the need for each other's body.  i leaned into Him and said; "i don't like being away from You all day."

     "Neither do I," He replied.  "But I'm being a man about it." 

     my interpretation?  Guy speak for supportive, yet expressing exactly what His emotions are.  i'm glad i understand the language.