February 12, 2001

Noon hour 

     what was i doing on this date one year ago?

     Lying bound to the bed, face up but blindfolded, struggling not to cry as i felt His hands, warm against my skin, fasten a collar around my neck.   

     i remember the sensation of His body over mine - the hoarse whisper of His voice.   i remember afterward - snuggling and laughing as we decadently shared a bottle of champagne in the middle of the afternoon.  The cork still rests on the shelf where i placed it that day.

     It has been a good year.  Not without its ups and downs of course - we argue as passionately as we make love.  But the difference is that i always feel bad, rather than angry, if we do argue.  i dislike arguing with Him - i don't like knowing that i've caused Him pain.  Now, although not always successful, i try not to slip into the old pattern of striking out with my words.  Now i try *not* to speak before i've calmed.  It has been a slow process, but i'm improving.

     The good sharing far outweighs the occasional tense moments.  And i love reflecting back on them.

     Bicycling in the rain to dog-sit for a friend.  Indulging in her hot tub and shoving the dog out of the bed.  We were busy with each other.

     Wandering through art galleries and Him buying  me a painting.  How exciting that was for me!  And the long nights of cruising the art sites online and finding more art that we just had to have.

     A kiss while shopping in the grocery store - His hand curled around my throat.

     Sharing our dinners together and consistently adhering to the candlelight and music rule - even though we are in the kitchen, ignoring a cluster of pots and pans on the stove.  Recording the list of ingredients of a favourite meal- usually a new recipe each month - and sometimes the accompanying wine.  Time spent talking and laughing.  And sometimes crying.

     Nursing each other when we are sick.

     Admitting to each other that we aren't perfect.  That we are each hard to live with - although He concedes that He probably wins that contest.

     Sharing time with His daughter and my kids - getting to know His mother and brother better.

     Watching His hand as He reaches over to hold my breast, rubbing and caressing - and in bed at night, spooned up against me, arm wrapped around my body, again my breast in His hand.  Waking up in the middle of the night to feel Him still touching me - no matter how deep His sleep, He touches me possessively.

     The look on His face at His birthday party.

     There are many more such memories - i could probably write for hours yet about them.  i guess what is important is the understanding that it has been a year of learning.  And adapting. And a year of a love that i've dared to accept is really happening to me.

     i'm looking forward to more of these years.  

     Happy Anniversary Master.