March 29, 2001

i'm definitely not going to make the eight post quota this month.  i'm going through an icky phase i think. Not feeling good - my eyes especially are driving me crazy and headaches are often.  And the construction dust is making both of us worse i think.  i'll be glad to see the insulation and vapor barrier arrive.  That should help immensely.

     So i did get some responses from the mailing list finally - and there were a few who, while not experiencing the same things as me right now, were willing to offer heart-felt advice.  i appreciated that hugely.  It's amazing how the words from a person who lives thousands of miles away can make a difference.  This lifestyle may or may not qualify as a community but the participants still share a commonality.  i'm glad i'm part of that.

     the day cuffs remain securely around my left wrist.  (It occurred to me yesterday that they'd make a great looking ankle chain too!)  Master still hasn't availed Himself of their usage in the privacy of our home, but i keep hoping.  (if we ever start feeling better that would help!)  The idea of being fastened to the rocking chair while i work is more than just a bit appealing.  Naked.  Well not completely!  Cover my tummy please ... i can't concentrate heh.  

     Is this topping from the bottom or just me fantasizing for a lusty moment?

     But that is one thing i've noticed - the public versus private thing.  i guess it's 'cause the big guy is an exhibitionist at heart, plus my reaction is a public setting is probably interesting to Him.  Yet i am more comfortable with the at home, private stuff.  That's what i crave more.

     If i ask nicely, does that constitute topping?  See!  i always get mixed up about that part.  i'm taught to ask nicely and that's considered okay.  But i'm afraid to ask in case it's considered topping.

     If it's been two weeks and we've done virtually nothing (not talking sex here - THAT happens often, thank you very much), D/s wise, i find myself edgy, less inclined to be polite, and generally ready to scream "please beat me ... do something ... make me kneel!"

     But that's considered topping.

     So okay.  You go for weeks and weeks doing perfect serves and all the rest of the day to day niceties.  Isn't it reasonable to assume something is given to reinforce this good behaviour?

     i know what's wrong with me.  The job, the family visits, a house completely torn apart to the studs and filthy, feeling sick, feeling tired.  It's all interfering.  Damnit.  We have to gain control!

     We haven't done our D/s night once per week as planned, and i think if we concentrate on selfishly grabbing that much back, it will help get through the next few months of construction.  

     And if family members are visiting (it's mostly mine) we'll have to tell them to go watch a movie or something, for a few hours.  Even if all we do is go for a drive or a walk or crawl into bed and have wild sex.  It'll help.

     And the day cuffs falling gently from my wrist to my hand, while i'm at work, helps as well.  They are constantly in my sight, reminding me of Him.  Of us.

     Did i mention He does the cooking and the dishes and we still have our candles at dinner?  It's my favourite time of the day.  Well, it competes with the mornings anyway, when i wake up to the feel of His hand on me.

     And no this isn't an "oh my perfect Master" post.  i'm just edgy and emotional.

     And in love.  Pretty cool for someone who took forever to learn how.