March 26, 2001

Sometimes i feel like i'm forcing my head to find what it is i should, or need to, talk about.  And more often than not said head is just plain empty.  Too frustrating.

     i need to rethink the direction i want to go in with this journal.  Well, at least i think i do.  my original idea was a description of my submissive life as i explore it - something to share with others who may be experiencing the same things. i believe i've been consistent with that idea, even though some details of my vanilla activities are blended in.  But still, i try to describe what my life as a woman who has a submissive personality is really like.  And it's not about being a doormat.

     So.  i've tried.    And i continue to be constantly disappointed when i see yet another discussion or opinion that expresses the belief that all D/s and/or BDSM is just about kinky sex.  

     i read stories (both real and fictional) that describe graphically detailed sexual exploits and then toss in a few words like 'master' or 'beg', assuming this qualifies as a representation of the lifestyle.  What about the mind stuff?  i'm not saying that the lifestyle is only about emotions and personality - it certainly can be, and usually is - a nice blend of both the physical and the intellectual.  But what happens outside of the bed sheets?  What happens when the mind is willing but the body is just too tired and old?  It's a lovely dream to still be having sex at the age of eighty - but i'm thinking there will be more energy put into just getting out of the bed in the morning.  Maybe all i'll be able to do is a two handed serve of the breakfast tea. No kinky sex there - but i'll still be submissive.  Where are the stories like that?

     i get tired of reading 'oh my perfect Master' prose.  He's not perfect!  He puts his pants on one leg at a time, just like all the rest of us!

     i really don't need to know how many orifices said perfect Master stuck his organ in this time.  For some of us, that's not what D/s is about.  Yet this is the bulk of what i find when i search for literature.  And why is it that only the websites that focus on the titillation factor get all the traffic?

     i know about sex.  i even like it - a lot.   Kinky or vanilla or both ways at the same time even.  i don't need to read it all the time.  Tell me what's going on in your head instead.  That's tons more interesting.

     Make me think damnit!  Don't people want to think anymore?

     And it's not just the constant focus on sex that's frustrating me. i posted a message on a mailing list.  It was my turn to contribute - to start a new thread.  i decided the topic should be something that i'm directly experiencing right now.  It reads as follows:

" ... actually, there was something i was discussing with Master last night that perhaps i'd get more help with here since discussing a submissive issue with a Dominant doesn't *always* produce answers - although it was
interesting to discover that He suffers the same thing as me sometimes - and that is the feeling of having hit a plateau (He gets it more often from
His line of work however)

As i explained to Him, i've known for years and years that i liked getting spanked and tied up and all that fun stuff, plus known that i function much better with a dominant personality guiding me. And then i discovered that
this *need* had a name and so there was all the time spent doing the *firsts* - first munch, first play party, first debate on SSC - heh! first flogging! (yummmm) 

And at first, as with all new things, it seemed like the discoveries were endless. 

Yet now, even though i'm in the most satisfying relationship i've ever had, it seems like i've hit a submissive plateau. Maybe it's simply that the
*honeymoon* stage is over and luckily we seem to have settled quite comfy into a better stage. Or maybe it's because it seems i'm beginning to discuss the same topics over and over. i even feel like i've hit a stalemate with my online journal and i'm beginning to bore people. 

i guess what i'm trying to say is that i feel like there should be more roads in this lifestyle to explore, but the road just stopped. Stopped in a good place, so i'm not complaining, but still..well.. stopped. Where do you explore next when you get to the place you wanted to be? Do you just
sit and enjoy? Do you teach others (which means actively searching for someone who wants to learn) Do you try out poly and risk upsetting what you have? Do you push hard limits at the risk of physical and/or mental health, just for the stimulation?

i'm probably thinking this to death, yet i do believe that this lifestyle is so much more than just kinky sex. But i've had other relationships fall apart because even though we were in a good place, we stopped exploring and became too complacent. i don't want that happening again ..."

     And only one person responded.  It was a wonderful response though, and made me feel good that at least one person understood.  But it also made me feel lonely at the same time - like a social outcast because i spoke of emotions instead of a "how many times is it normal to have kinky sex in one week" type of topic.

     i don't know.  Maybe i am the odd ball after all.

     And i guess i found something to talk about, eh? (insert best Canadian accent, hah!)