April 13, 2001

Yeah, i know.  It's the 13th already - of another month even.  

     The house has hit an all-time low in cleanliness ... we are showing the dust bunnies just how inept they really are and bringing in their country cousins.  Couple that with two people who are running from dawn till dusk and a whole bunch of company besides and well ... nothing gets done.  The dishes get washed eventually and i remember there's laundry in the machine eventually.   There is 'stuff' strewn about everywhere.  And in the stuff is ... dust. *sneeze*  (Note:  i quite literally *hired* my son's friend to come in and clean the kitchen/bathroom/living room upstairs yesterday - so at least we have a break from some of the mess for the weekend and i can get some of my work done without suffering guilt and angst.)

     i've been trying to maintain the D/s part of our life more actively as well.  Making a concentrated effort to be more the way i'm supposed to be .. the way i prefer to be and using my manners more.  i think Himself is liking it.  And i think it's doubly important right now when we are in such a mess with everything.  While my head stuff wasn't changing - He's the big cahouna for me and i like our balance thank you very much - the physical manifestations of said relationship were going out to lunch, mingling with the dust bunnies no doubt.  Not, not good.  

     So i've been saying Sir a whole lot more - even in front of my son.  i've been doing more of the small things like pinning my hair up 'cause i know He likes it, and curbing my impulse for the wise guy retorts. When my son asked if i wanted a beer the other night, instead of the automatic yes please, i said " you'll have to ask Himself if it's okay..."  Like i said, small things. Basically getting back to ... basics for lack of a better word.  

     And i'm amazed at what a difference it has made.  We've taken the time to scene even though we are both bone weary by the end of the day. (Note:  home renovation is not conducive to good relaxation!)  Himself seems to have shifted His head into more Dom space and become very aware of what i'm doing.   Hopefully we'll be able to squeeze in some more scening as well.  

     One thing i've noticed with myself, and i may have mentioned before, is how i am when i'm going out to work now.  i feared once i was out there that i'd become more independent and 'career' minded.  But that's not happening at all.  What i am finding is that i just want to put in my day, enjoy the company of those around me, then get home to where i feel best.  i find i'm craving tasks all of a sudden - part way through my day i'll often sit quietly for a few moments, wishing that i were home and serving tea or just saying 'yes Sir'.  Anything to emphasize physically what is in my head.  And i'm hoping that once the house reno is over, Himself will have more time to assign a task occasionally.  

     i do admit that it's really nice to be making money again, and contributing to the house.  And it was an absolute treat to be able to buy Him a b'day present without wondering where the money would come from.  We haven't organized how said money should be put to best use yet though.  We are waiting until it's a bit more steady and consistant so we can plan easier.  i'm still leaning more toward the idea of giving all of it to Him to invest for me since i'm lousy at it, and having an allowance of some sort to spend as i see fit.  Or the idea that some friends of ours have, where she gives her money to him, and has a credit card to use instead.  

     But back to the Dom/sub thing.  When i reflect back to the past few months and the general slowing down of our physical side of things, i realize just how much it really does 'take two' to make this work.  i was starting to climb the walls (figuratively of course!) with frustration and waiting and waiting and waiting for that order, or request, or scene - that never came.  i had hit a point where my expectation was that He would initiate things all the time.  He would start scenes - He would tell me what to do and when and how.  And yes, i still want more of that.  But i was also taught how to take the initiative as well.  i *know* how He wants things, and how He expects me to be.  So rather than wait for Him to tell me to kneel, isn't it reasonable to assume that i should be the one to go ahead and do something He already enjoys and wants from me?

     Instead of mentally pacing for days waiting on Him to scene, isn't it reasonable to assume that He might be needing the signals?  i think a nicely worded, "Sir, if it pleases you, i would very much like a spanking when we can organize it ..." just might be necessary while we are living in a turned upside down household right now.

     And i suppose it's not all that enticing for Him to arrange a scene when i've been bratty for a week and done nothing to work toward bettering the D/s part.  i think there's a fine balance between this 'service oriented concept' thing, and the sub just plain keeping control because he/she expects the Dom to do all the thinking. 

     my experience so far is showing me that when i take the initiative and, instead of waiting for Him to say "please get me a drink", i stay alert to His glass emptying and then ask "would You like another drink Sir?", that this is what puts both of us into the proper headspace which leads to more of all the good stuff.  i don't take control by waiting, with my little mental foot tapping away, for Him to instruct me on every little service every day.  i now take the opportunity to show Him that He has trained me to please Him, and He still maintains the control.  And i don't take control by simply refilling the empty glass.  Am i making any sense here?

     Anyway... random thoughts on an early morning while i enjoy the first chance i've actually had to ramble on.  Now it's time to go kiss the big guy.

     Gone!