April 14, 2001

i hate it when i need to be creative yet my head won't go to that type of space.  Some days i can sit at this machine and pop off a website in mere hours.  Other days... nothing. So time to take a break.

     Himself is getting more and more tired from all this home renovation stuff, but did manage to rouse enough to enjoy dinner out with friends, and then off to see a play with them.  Just the sort of evening i love to do.  i can't seem to sleep in anymore though, so i think i'll soon be as tired as He is.  

     It was a week of hard decision.  The place i'm working at had a position come up which they wanted me for and i really, really considered it.  The problem was they needed someone bilingual, and while i can read some French, speaking it is just not something i do.  According to the temp agency the salary wasn't bad, but a bit low, although the benefits (much needed!) package was really good.  After much tossing about in my mind whether taking a French speaking course would be a good idea and etc., plus probably driving Master crazy with my constant fretting about it all, i decided to decline.  i'm just not comfortable trying to do something i don't do well, under the pressure of a deadline.  They needed someone who could offer more than me.  

     It was certainly weird to turn down such a good opportunity though.  The temp agency said to hold out for something better - that *i* could do better - and i find the emotion of that hard to work my mind around. i'm more used to being grateful for the positions i did get, and i'd stick with them forever.  Literally till the place closed, in a few circumstances.  The idea of going out there with resume in tow, spouting "look at me and what i can do", still baffles me and makes me feel uncomfortable.  i have yet to figure out how to put a value on myself i guess.     

     i tried something new with the ezine this month, and it seems to be working out very well.  Usually i find 3 or so dominants to answer a selected question.  This month i inserted a rather controversial picture depicting some edge play, and posed the question to the readers.  Lots of interesting answers and emotional reactions, which is leading me to think that this idea might be worth keeping.

     i'd tossed around the idea that i might have to give up the ezine because it's been so busy here, but a huge part of me doesn't want to do that, so i'm looking for ways to streamline it without losing quality.  i think what i really need to do is try to organize my time better, or at least pick one thing per day to get done.  Even if it's only sending out an email.  How did i get so busy?  Where did our long, idealic and peaceful days go??

     i'm off for 4 days and not even resting!  Stop the train! i need to get off for a bit.