May 20, 2001

    i don't like it when Himself is away.  Not even a little bit.  After the first few hours of enjoying having the house to myself, the novelty wears off and i just get lonely.  And then lonely some more.  Yuck.  We are now in day 4 of him being gone and i've had enough! 

     So while He's been gone i've been cleaning.  And cleaning.  And then cleaning some more.   Combine the frustration of there still being lots to do and it still being dusty, along with my loneliness, and i feel myself slipping into a very nice funk.  i wouldn't say deeply depressed; it's more like being a bit listless and discouraged.  It seems as quick as we get one problem from the reno solved, another crops up. 

    The kitchen floor doesn't quite look like i'd imagined it would - thank gawd i got home when i did the other day, before my son and the carpenter went with the nail design they wanted to do.  Sixty nails in one 2' x 2' square?  Yikes.  Do not let a child who likes to pierce his body design your kitchen.  It's so not a good idea.  In the end the nail count was much less and i talked them into using glue instead.

     The ceramic tile i tried to save got demolished by the cupboard installer.  The supply center sent the wrong counter top - i wanted one without a backsplash and they sent one with - which meant that now the counter wouldn't fit properly if the tiles stayed.  And a panel of light switches also had to be raised.  Classic line from the installer (after he grabbed the tools i was using to remove the tiles out of my hand): "Demolition is my hobby!"  Said in a heavy accent of course.  i don't think it took more than about 3 minutes and bingo ... pretty white tiles all broken on the floor.  Darn.  On the upside, we received a substantial discount for our grief.  

     While the installer continued on with the cupboards, i spent the morning cleaning up the flood in the basement.  The night before, the carpenter was cleaning some things in the laundry basin and moved the hose for the washing machine out of his way, placing it so that the spout was pointing behind the basin instead of in it.  i didn't notice this and decided to do laundry.  i put the load in and came back upstairs, which meant i couldn't hear what was actually happening down there. And what was happening was all the water pouring out over the floor and of course the floor drains were plugged.   What a mess!  

(Note:  all of this happened in the first 24 hour span of Himself being gone - and immediately after the disappointment from the night before when the art auction we attended ended disasterously - it's like a lottery that involves tickets and numbers and whoever's number gets picked - gets to choose from the 100 prints on the walls.  We were picked last.  We left the only print that was left on the wall.  Yes, it was that bad.)

    So after lunch i went back downstairs to help with the cleanup of tiles and tear out the wall where the tiles used to be, so we can fix it with fresh drywall.  Tricky business since i didn't want to scratch the new counter.  During this time the carpenter decided to check out the sink that we intended to use - prepping it for the plumber (whom we thought was on the way) to install.  He discovered several small pinholes in the bowls.  Panic!  Mad dash to the building supply store to buy a sink.  i didn't know i could spend $213.00 that quickly.  i did end up with a really nice one though, that i know the big guy is going to like.  

     An hour after we're home the plumber calls.  Of course he's delayed and of course he can't make it till saturday.  But when he did get here, he's really pleasant and only said fuck a couple of times when things didn't go well and water leaked on the as yet unfinished, unsealed, wood floor. 

     Last night i found it necessary to get very tipsy drinking wine with the neighbour next door.  For therapeutic reasons only.  Of course.  

     Sometimes i find it really hard to decide how much of my life i really want to put here - to have people read and know about.  And yet, this journal is supposed to be 'about me'.  Like how i feel when things in life crop up, and a place to explore the emotions and thoughts that i have.  But often i hold back.  It's like if i share some of my thoughts, then people will know that i don't live in a perfect world - and if i give voice to those thoughts then i am the one that makes my world imperfect.  Does that makes sense?

     And my pride holds me back from admitting that i have insecurities about my relationship with Himself sometimes.  i don't want people knowing that.  But isn't that a normal part of living with someone?

     The other thing that holds me back is the fact that if i share something that directly involves Himself and aspects of our relationship - then i feel like i've decided for Him, something that isn't my right to decide.  i've given out information that maybe He doesn't want given out.  An example would be how He wasn't crazy about the one post i wrote saying that we'd had an argument.  But then He continued on to say that it's my journal and He's never censored me here.  And won't. 

     So today something has been drifting around in my head and i need to talk about it - but He's not here to talk it out.  i just hope He'll understand.

     Early on in our relationship - when i was still with the hubster and only coming here on some weekend visits - there was one time that Himself was out of town working.  He was scheduled to come home part way through the weekend though, so it was worth me coming over anyway.  To kill time, i decided to clean up the apartment for Him.  And while i was dusting the bedroom i found a used condom.  i don't think i'll ever forget the feeling i had inside at that moment.  i can't even describe it.  

     And see.  Now as i read this i see how it will look bad to anyone else who will read this post.  It makes Himself look bad.  And it wasn't like that.  i was still married - still living at home.  We hadn't made any long term commitments to each other.  And in a totally strange and obscure way, i was also relieved at that moment to know that He had used a condom.  But i was also intensely jealous.  

     We did a lot of talking that weekend and i explained how i felt about all of it - how i wasn't handling it well, yet didn't have the right to expect monogamy.  And in truth, until this relationship, i didn't believe i had a monogamous bone in my body.  We are pretty much alike in that.  But also, one of the biggest issues for me was my pride.  It bothered me more to know that something would happen behind my back, than the actual act itself.  It made me feel like i was being played for a fool.  And maybe it's foolish pride, but the idea of some woman knowing about me, yet sleeping with Himself without my knowledge, just gives me emotional heartburn.

     The conclusion (or deal if you want to call it that) that we came to was that if He 'played' in future, then i had the same right.  But we had to tell each other.   And i'm fine with this.

     So.  While He's been gone working, He found Himself in the same city as the woman in the condom story lives.  And they had dinner together.  And He told me this, this morning when He called. He was to meet her again today for brunch, with her boyfriend.  

     i was fine with it.  Really.  Although i did ask if He'd slept with her.  He said no.  i asked if He would tell me if He had.  And He said yes, we had a deal.  And i was cool.  

     Then i started thinking.

     Things like why didn't He tell me He was going to contact her and do the dinner thing?  i didn't even realize that was the city she lived in, but He did.  Why wasn't that mentioned before?  i understand that because of His schedule nothing gets planned ahead - call times are notoriously fickle at best - so i'm sure He didn't even know if He'd have the opportunity.  

    See.  What this has done is make me feel like my choice to trust Him and the dynamics of our relationship and what we agree upon has a couple,  has been taken away from me.  And i know He would never, ever intentionally hurt me - but i do feel a bit hurt.  

     Perhaps part of my problem is that i think different than He does sometimes.  If i were going out of town and knew an old boyfriend lived there and that if there was time, i'd call him up - i would tell P before i left.  Which would enable Him to have the choice of trusting me.  Hell, of even asking me if i intend to get intimate with the old flame.  Of asking me not to get intimate with the old flame.  

     It would have been better if He'd told me she lived there.  (or at least reminded me - He's probably told me before but i don't have the world's greatest memory unfortunately) Even if there weren't any plans at that point.  Even if the plans were totally last minute - which i suspect is the case.  

     But maybe He decided not to mention it because He was afraid i would behave poorly. i pray that is not the case - that our relationship has evolved enough for Him to not have to worry about what my reactions will be.  i know in the past we've both expected responses from each other that we'd have normally gotten from our past relationships.  Or maybe He just simply forgot.  Our life is totally turned upside down right now.

     Or maybe He wanted the control.  Wanted to be able to decide when the situation presented itself - rather than have me express that i'd rather He didn't.  

     So i've managed to totally confuse myself.  i trust that He will always tell me the truth.  But will i get that truth before or after the fact?  My pride needs it before.  As a submissive living in a power exchange relationship, does my share of the equality allow me the right to ask that my pride's needs be met?

     Maybe i just need to get over myself or something.  

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