May
31, 2001
It's June tomorrow. Where's all the nice
weather we are supposed to be having? And why do i feel so
darn sick today (and yesterday)? It's like an all
over ache - my legs and my back - and each time i take a
step it hurts more. i don't feel nauseated though,
so i guess that's the upside. i just hope it passes
quickly.
Small things keep drifting through my mind today.
Things like the expression Himself gets on His face when
He's attaching the day cuffs to my wrist, then holds His
hand around my throat and kisses me. It's a stern
expression - one that says "I'm the boss and you're
mine."
And things like how i'll be in a deep sleep, then suddenly
find myself being rolled over on my side (i sleep on my
back mostly), and pulled closer to Him so that we are
spooning. He'll push and prod until i'm 'adjusted'
to His liking, then promptly fall back asleep. Like
i'm a teddy bear, or one of His pillows, that He needs
placed a certain way for good sleep.
Sometimes He goes a bit further of course.
Ahem.
Okay, so i love getting woken up that way. i'm
always amazed at the number of women who tell me they hate
it though. i find it really exciting to go from a
moment of total oblivion to another moment of eventually
total oblivion (that would be when He's says yes after
i've been begging, heh!) i love waking up to find
Him crawling on top of my body, pinning down my arms and
just having His way with me.

i'm still cruising porn sites. i haven't a clue why
except that lately i'm finding myself really edgy
sexually. It's like a feeling of being constantly in
limbo with the cravings. One itch gets scratched and
another one rises.
The other night i dreamed that Himself loaned me out to
another couple. It was a very bizarre dream, where i
was centered out in a room full of onlookers - 6 - 8
people sitting on chairs in a semi circle watching while
my body was used and pleasured. And then i was
ordered to pleasure the female of the couple, but when i
approached her, her genitals became a giant penis that
rolled open. And there was a little frog-like
creature saying i wasn't doing it right. Then i
found myself coming back home in the morning, frightened
because i'd fallen asleep instead of coming straight home,
and when i opened the door Himself was sitting in a chair
in the middle of an empty room, waiting. The room
looked a lot like the empty space downstairs of
course. And then i woke up. It was very
unsettling.
They say dreams mean something. i haven't a clue how
they'd analyze this one! i find it interesting
though, that the feeling of guilt, and the feeling of
doing something wrong, persisted through it.
Maybe somewhere in the dark recesses of this twisted brain
i think it's perverted to cruise porn sites or
something. But more likely it's the mixed messages i
got about sex when i was growing up. A father who
touched, yet said only sluts slept around - a mother who
said i had to behave like a lady but it was important to
enjoy sex - but don't sleep around. It's good, it's
bad, it's good, it's bad.
Sheesh.
i
think i'm too old to worry about it anymore.
Heh. But still young enough to enjoy.

i've received
several emails and responses about the change in
background and how much easier it is to down load the
journal now. It's just the neatest feeling to have
someone who lives thousands of miles away from me send
comments. i feel like i've been touched by them -
and that's always a nice thing.

Note:
pics below are clickable for navigation
|