May 31, 2001

    It's June tomorrow.  Where's all the nice weather we are supposed to be having? And why do i feel so darn sick today (and yesterday)?  It's like an all over ache - my legs and my back - and each time i take a step it hurts more.  i don't feel nauseated though, so i guess that's the upside.  i just hope it passes quickly.  

     Small things keep drifting through my mind today.  Things like the expression Himself gets on His face when He's attaching the day cuffs to my wrist, then holds His hand around my throat and kisses me.  It's a stern expression - one that says "I'm the boss and you're mine."  

     And things like how i'll be in a deep sleep, then suddenly find myself being rolled over on my side (i sleep on my back mostly), and pulled closer to Him so that we are spooning.  He'll push and prod until i'm 'adjusted' to His liking, then promptly fall back asleep.  Like i'm a teddy bear, or one of His pillows, that He needs placed a certain way for good sleep.

     Sometimes He goes a bit further of course.  Ahem.  

     Okay, so i love getting woken up that way.  i'm always amazed at the number of women who tell me they hate it though.  i find it really exciting to go from a moment of total oblivion to another moment of eventually total oblivion (that would be when He's says yes after i've been begging, heh!)  i love waking up to find Him crawling on top of my body, pinning down my arms and just having His way with me.  

      i'm still cruising porn sites.  i haven't a clue why except that lately i'm finding myself really edgy sexually.  It's like a feeling of being constantly in limbo with the cravings.  One itch gets scratched and another one rises.

     The other night i dreamed that Himself loaned me out to another couple.  It was a very bizarre dream, where i was centered out in a room full of onlookers - 6 - 8 people sitting on chairs in a semi circle watching while my body was used and pleasured.  And then i was ordered to pleasure the female of the couple, but when i approached her, her genitals became a giant penis that rolled open.  And there was a little frog-like creature saying i wasn't doing it right.  Then i found myself coming back home in the morning, frightened because i'd fallen asleep instead of coming straight home, and when i opened the door Himself was sitting in a chair in the middle of an empty room, waiting.  The room looked a lot like the empty space downstairs of course.  And then i woke up.  It was very unsettling.  

     They say dreams mean something.  i haven't a clue how they'd analyze this one!  i find it interesting though, that the feeling of guilt, and the feeling of doing something wrong, persisted through it.

     Maybe somewhere in the dark recesses of this twisted brain i think it's perverted to cruise porn sites or something.  But more likely it's the mixed messages i got about sex when i was growing up.  A father who touched, yet said only sluts slept around - a mother who said i had to behave like a lady but it was important to enjoy sex - but don't sleep around.  It's good, it's bad, it's good, it's bad.

     Sheesh.  

     i think i'm too old to worry about it anymore.  Heh.  But still young enough to enjoy.

     i've received several emails and responses about the change in background and how much easier it is to down load the journal now.  It's just the neatest feeling to have someone who lives thousands of miles away from me send comments.  i feel like i've been touched by them - and that's always a nice thing.  

Note:  pics below are clickable for navigation