June 2, 2001

    So this month has started out with something less than a bang.  i missed work on both Thursday and Friday 'cause of being sick - although i did feel a lot better on Friday, just an ache in my back when i coughed.  i haven't a clue what was wrong with me but it seems to have passed and hopefully is gone forever.  

     Then the fellow who is doing the renos downstairs went on a seek and destroy mission the very second the first raindrops started yesterday.  Last week he figured out why so much water is coming into our basement (eaves trough/fascia board related) but he'd also had another suspicion.  Unfortunately he proved himself right.  Because of the eaves problem, the water poured down the wall and right into the outside ledge of the upstairs bathroom window.  And now it's very rotted.  In fact most of the base of the window is rotted.  Is it ever going to end? Grrr.

     On the upside (see Master, i'm trying to find good in everything) the downstairs is really starting to look nice - unique - i dare say there won't be many homes with a hardwood floor trimmed by mahogany plywood.  i wish i had a computer camera to do pics!

     And Himself's brother is giving us his electric jennair stove since he decided he preferred to have a gas one.  That's a bonus.  i never imagined i'd ever have a jennair!  And the dishwasher is in - dare i jinx things and say there aren't any leaks? 

     And (lots of ands today) i love the countertop and the pass through and the wide open space.  

     Now if the whole project would ever end so i can start using that wide open space ...

     i keep reading a bunch of other journals and feeling like i'm boring compared to them.  First of all, where do they get all the time to put in such great entries?  And where do they find all the time to do all the things they talk about?  Is it because they have more energy than me?  Maybe it's because they are more organized.  

     Sometimes i get embarrassed at my own words when i read theirs and see so much emotion is revealed.  It's like they take huge chunks of their heart and just put it all out there.  i feel humbled then, when i'm reading their words.  And wish that i were that good.

     Maybe if i'd spend less time dreamily cruising through their sites i'd find more time to do the things i'm supposed to be doing.  Heh.  And maybe i'd dig a bit deeper into my own psyche. But i wouldn't be as relaxed.  i prefer relaxed.  

     i think part of the problem is that Himself and i have virtually no time to explore the kinkier side of our relationship these days, which is something i like to talk about in here.  We haven't stopped completely of course - i think we'd both start pacing if that happened - but by the time we are finished our days, the nights are just time for being exhausted while eating dinner.  And with me working out of the house, there's less opportunity.  Yet i'm finding myself becoming more interested in exploring things again.  

     i'm like this though.  i find something new to learn, something to challenge me, and once i've conquered it, i'm anxious to learn something else.  Maybe i'm addicted to learning.  And the weird part is, while i am learning i am totally stressed out and anxious, but it's seldom that i stop. i seem to thrive on the learning curve.  Then i'll do that new learned thing for a long time. Then suddenly stop.  Just like that.  A sort of  "been there done that ... next" kind of attitude.  i haven't a clue why.  

     Going a little deeper into the exploration of the physical and emotional sides of  D/s would be really interesting though and it's definitely the direction of my thoughts these days.

     i've been slipping in the behaviour department lately.  i jokingly keep telling Himself i need retraining, but i think He's starting to take the idea seriously.  Actually i think it would be a good thing for both of us if we indulged in that process again.  

     It's things like the other day when i got home from work, i offered the fellow doing the renos a beer, and asked Himself if He'd like one.  He declined, so i only served two - one for the fellow - and one for me.  i forgot to ask permission.  Several hours later, i found myself getting tossed over Himself's knee and receiving a few good whacks on the butt, while He grumbled something about my attitude.  Heh.  And silly me giggled since He was doing all this over my heavily denim'd butt.  i knew that had to be hurting Him.  

     Gads.  We need to get back to being more formal again.  Both of us.  i've been trained - i know what's necessary - but i also know my personality and i'm almost ashamed to admit that i know if i can get away with something, i'll try it.  

     i never was very good at disciplining myself.  Maybe that's why i'm the sub and Himself is He Who Must Be Obeyed.  

PS: today's quotes reminded me i am missing my cat.  Even if he does have an 'i own the place' attitude!

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