June
16, 2001
i still can't do journal entries with Himself sitting
beside me. It's really weird but i'm just too
uncomfortable knowing He's reading my thoughts practically
before they have a chance to be typed. Which is why
i've got my monitor turned in such a way that it's harder
for Him to see it right now - but at least it's giving me
a sense of isolation so that i can work while He's
here. He probably thinks i'm silly. Maybe i am
... but it doesn't seem like the problem is going to go
away any time soon - so monitor turning will continue.
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It is definitely
officially summer now. Very, very hot. So hot
in fact, that i found the collar on the floor beside the
bed this morning. i must have taken it off in my
sleep - i do know that in the summer it makes my neck
sweat and feels very tight.
Today, as Himself
was leaving for aikido testing and various errands, and in
response to my query about what state of preparedness i
should be in when He returned, He instructed me to be
wearing a sundress.
So i pulled out
all the ones i'd washed a few weeks ago and tried them
on. One by one. And put them all back on their
collective hangers ... since not one of them fit
comfortably anymore. They all snugged over my belly
and breasts. (Is snugged a word even? It's the
only way i can think of to describe the feeling though ...
that feeling that everything is just a tad too
tight) "Mutton dressed as lamb" is what my
thoughts were as i got more and more
discouraged.
i just can't do
it. i can't wear something that emphasizes i have a
tummy that's long ago less than perfect. i can't
wear something that makes my breasts look like they've
been stuffed unwillingly into. i can't wear buttoned
fronts that look like the buttons are about to pop off if
i breath in too deeply.
i'll admit to
liking the look of a bit of cleavage ... but i think
that's more appropriate in a scooped neckline with a good
pushup bra. Not in a top that looks like twin
somethings are having a war under the
material.
So during all
this discouraging trying on of sundresses do i even once
try to discipline myself to do sit-ups? Nope.
i hate sit-ups. Instead my mind drifts off to some
of the really pretty tummy trimmers i saw in the catalogue
the other day and i try to calculate the amount of money i
have in the bank. And i swear off beer.
Then have one
with the neighbour later on. i'm
doomed.
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i cooked on the
new stove today. The kitchen is basically empty
which meant i had to drag down all the utensils i needed
but it was more than worth it as, within half an hour, the
aroma of lamb stew bubbling away wafted through the main
floor. i am so, so ready to have use of all that new
space.
We had company
last night, who stayed overnight, and i more than a little
bit enjoyed showing them the renos. And even though
we still had to use the upstairs for visiting, it felt
like everything was a lot roomier.
Well except for
the part where Himself decided to use a switch on my
butt in front of them and then continue on in the bedroom,
using a cane. Gads - once an actor always an actor -
they love an audience! And i don't mind actually,
although lately i've been restless from wanting more
private things at home (which i know is a direct result of
our limited time these days.)
Things like being
cuffed to my rocker while working on the computer.
Or more exploration with being tied to the bed kinds of
things. (yes i'm still trolling kinky sites on the web)
Kind of hard to
do when the neighbour strolls in the backdoor at odd
moments, to borrow bicycle tools. And the renovator
uses his key for the front door to come get some of his
stuff.
Maybe we should
do it anyway. Give them something to talk
about. Heh!
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