June 16, 2001

    i still can't do journal entries with Himself sitting beside me.  It's really weird but i'm just too uncomfortable knowing He's reading my thoughts practically before they have a chance to be typed.  Which is why i've got my monitor turned in such a way that it's harder for Him to see it right now - but at least it's giving me a sense of isolation so that i can work while He's here.  He probably thinks i'm silly.  Maybe i am ... but it doesn't seem like the problem is going to go away any time soon - so monitor turning will continue.       

     It is definitely officially summer now.  Very, very hot.  So hot in fact, that i found the collar on the floor beside the bed this morning.  i must have taken it off in my sleep - i do know that in the summer it makes my neck sweat and feels very tight.

     Today, as Himself was leaving for aikido testing and various errands, and in response to my query about what state of preparedness i should be in when He returned, He instructed me to be wearing a sundress.  

     So i pulled out all the ones i'd washed a few weeks ago and tried them on.  One by one.  And put them all back on their collective hangers ... since not one of them fit comfortably anymore.  They all snugged over my belly and breasts.  (Is snugged a word even?  It's the only way i can think of to describe the feeling though ... that feeling that everything is just a tad too tight)  "Mutton dressed as lamb" is what my thoughts were as i got more and more discouraged.  

     i just can't do it.  i can't wear something that emphasizes i have a tummy that's long ago less than perfect.  i can't wear something that makes my breasts look like they've been stuffed unwillingly into.  i can't wear buttoned fronts that look like the buttons are about to pop off if i breath in too deeply.

     i'll admit to liking the look of a bit of cleavage ... but i think that's more appropriate in a scooped neckline with a good pushup bra.  Not in a top that looks like twin somethings are having a war under the material.  

     So during all this discouraging trying on of sundresses do i even once try to discipline myself to do sit-ups?  Nope.  i hate sit-ups.  Instead my mind drifts off to some of the really pretty tummy trimmers i saw in the catalogue the other day and i try to calculate the amount of money i have in the bank. And i swear off beer.

     Then have one with the neighbour later on.  i'm doomed.     

     i cooked on the new stove today.  The kitchen is basically empty which meant i had to drag down all the utensils i needed but it was more than worth it as, within half an hour, the aroma of lamb stew bubbling away wafted through the main floor.  i am so, so ready to have use of all that new space.  

     We had company last night, who stayed overnight, and i more than a little bit enjoyed showing them the renos.  And even though we still had to use the upstairs for visiting, it felt like everything was a lot roomier.  

     Well except for the part where Himself decided to use a switch on my  butt in front of them and then continue on in the bedroom, using a cane.  Gads - once an actor always an actor - they love an audience!  And i don't mind actually, although lately i've been restless from wanting more private things at home (which i know is a direct result of our limited time these days.)  

     Things like being cuffed to my rocker while working on the computer.  Or more exploration with being tied to the bed kinds of things. (yes i'm still trolling kinky sites on the web)

     Kind of hard to do when the neighbour strolls in the backdoor at odd moments, to borrow bicycle tools.  And the renovator uses his key for the front door to come get some of his stuff.  

     Maybe we should do it anyway.  Give them something to talk about.  Heh!    

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