August 20, 2001

      Week 2 of not working.  And i'm loving every minute of it.  i'm back to feeling relaxed and refreshed.  It feels like Himself and i are back on track again, enjoying the opportunity of unlimited time together. And i'm even spending time reading.

     Yesterday we spent the entire day DOING NOTHING. And in bed.  It was perfect.  Well, i shouldn't say exactly nothing since we did do the 'wild thang' twice, once in the morning and then again in the afternoon.  And we did get out of bed long enough to have lunch, before crawling back in again with some good books.  Occasionally we'd make our naked way to the computers for email checks.  Finally, by around 5 in the afternoon, we surfaced and had showers.  We did our usual dinner and candles and wine and a final browse through the computers, then it was off to bed again.  An absolutely perfect day.

     Dinner time is usually our opportunity to catch up during the day - to discuss things that are happening in our lives and sometimes even to express concerns.  Even though just about every advice type person or book or what have you will say never to discuss 'heavy' issues at the dinner table, it seems to be the best time for us.  Perhaps it's because neither of us wishes to ruin the ambiance of the wine and good food and candles, but it seems more often than not we can solve things equitably during dinner.  We slip sometimes, of course - we are only human - but it's not very often that things go badly.

     Last night i expressed the desire to work on our D/s a bit more; to get more on track with things.  Especially since i will be going back out to work again, and He's contemplating theatre.  It may only ever be a contemplation, but i think we should be prepared for the possibility nonetheless.  

     It seems like our D/s is still very strong and certainly we still respect and love each other very much - both as man/woman and as Master/submissive.  But we are both getting lax on the outward manifestations of it.  (Although even as i type this i think of all the things we are still doing.)

     i still serve His tea in the morning, and serve two handed and still call Him Sir as situations allow.  But we've both been negligent of the bedtime ritual - most of the time because we are just too tired and crawling into bed is all we both want to do.  In the morning however, i feel like we've ignored something really important.  And pushing that 'something important' to being done only a few times a week with no consistency, hints at the idea that the rest might go by the wayside as well.  In fact i often forget to ask before putting a thong on and i've been trying to correct that.  And He rarely tells me what to wear anymore.  Even if i ask.

     What happens if i stop getting the tea?  If He stops putting a collar or a wrist cuff on me before bed?  Will it be the disappearance of 'Sir' and the candlelit dinners next?  i feel that, without the above, the core of who we are will risk the same neglect.  If we can't work to be consistent with such small things, how do we think we'll keep the most important thing, our relationship, working?  It's not the rituals themselves, it's the willingness to work at something, rather than assume that everything's always okay.  Not falling into the rut of complacency.

     It's kind of like the big corporation and it's mailing room.  If the guys in the mailing room stop sending the mail through, upper management can't do their job either.  The corporation falls apart.  (Okay i know it's a weak analogy but it's the best i could think of.)  But upper management just assumes, becomes complacent, that the mail room people are just going to keep up with the routine.  Y'know, sometimes they go on strike.

     So anyway, because of our struggle to keep our relationship working in the best way possible during the renos and my return to work (and i think we succeeded quite nicely actually), and because of the eventual return to work for both of us, all these things have been drifting through my head.  

     Himself said when He does theatre, He becomes entirely focused on the character and the lines and the myriad of things that happen during a production.  Not to mention the ungohdly hours of rehearsal and then the actual show.  And during this time, i would be gone the typical office hours and transit traveling time.  We'd be like ships in the night. For a very long time.

     So, my response to all of this is: How do we work out what's best for us and our relationship?  How do i serve tea to someone who will be asleep for hours after i leave in the morning and gone when i come home?  How do we maintain the D/s?  What do i do if He's wide awake at the computer at midnight and i have to sleep because i need to be up at 6?  Of course i can ask to go to bed, but what happens to the bedtime ritual?  Do i continue what i do now, and fall asleep on the floor waiting for Him?  (my bones are really protesting this one *s*)

     i wish i could explain all of this better.  As i reread it, it sounds more like a physical thing that i'm talking about.  But it's not really.  Yes, the serving of the tea is a 'thing', something that i do, but what is important about it is what it represents.  It expresses something deep inside of me, that i give, show, share (the word itself is not important) with and for Him alone.  And perhaps that is the curse of the submissive - the need to have the ritual to express the 'something deep'.  

     He can look in my eyes and see it.  But i think it's important to always work at showing it as well.  To demonstrate that i care enough to do these things for Him.  And i think it's important that i see the same efforts returned to me, from Him.  That He cares enough to work at the small things as well.

     i think we are worth it.  

              

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