November 17, 2001

      i've survived another week in the corporate world.  What a zoo!  i may be still eating the things that make me curve but my exercise level has risen enormously.  Gone forever are the days of being a sloth in front of the computer all day - this place is so busy i don't have a chance to sit for more than about 10 or 15 minutes at a time.  i doubt the dashing about will do much for my tummy, but i should have great thighs in no time!

     So far i'm really enjoying the environment.  i don't think there will be much of an opportunity to get bored and i'm learning a lot of new and very useful things.  The temp girl is helping me with learn more Excel, and i'm quickly coming to understand Lotus notes, plus i'll be working on a program called Oracle.  Between all that learning and pretending i know what the heck i'm doing, and calling Mister Coffee to let them know the coffee machine is broken, the days fly by in a blur.  And i'm even getting past the 'first weeks of exhaustion' quicker than i thought i would.

     Two things that aren't a bonus:  getting up earlier in the morning (especially as it's still dark), and not having enough time at night to do personal things.  i can't do anything about the daylight but hopefully i can work out the rest.     

     my cold is still hanging in there, along with the persistent cough.  Annoying.  All of last week i kept waking up in the middle of the night from coughing in my sleep, so i'd toddle off to the bathroom to take a swig of the Buckley's i have stashed away in there.  

     Gag.  That stuff is awful.  But it does work.  Problem is it also gives me heartburn.  Which means out comes all the antacid products.  i've been seriously worried about how much filtering my liver really wants to do - between cold and sinus tablets, cough syrup, cough candies and heartburn meds, plus my hormone pill and vitamins and wine with dinner - i'm thinking it's not really happy with me at the moment.  

     i'm back to feeling like i don't have much to write about again.  It's like a wall i hit every once in awhile and it's very frustrating.  Especially since i do the proverbial 'walk through' of other journal sites and read really emotional things.  People having kid problems or relationship issues or on the other side of the spectrum, having really nice anticipatory things happening (like pregnancies.)  Maybe i'm in the anticlimax of interview hell - the actual getting of the job seems pale in comparison to that!  

     Well except for the part of how proud i am of me for landing the job.  That was a real feeling of accomplishment.

     But i digress.  

     It just seems that things are going so smoothly right now that my life has become boring to write about.  Not that *i* think my life is boring - but that other people reading about it will think it is.  i mean, everything is going along perfectly.  i have a job that i think will be perfectly suited to my needs, i have a relationship that i'm positive is good for both of us.  my kids seem to be getting along quite nicely in their chosen paths.  i don't have in-law problems or siblings phoning me regularly with little spats between them.  i have lots of new friends, both online and off, and N from the old days still giving me constant support.  

     Ah well.  i'll keep writing.  Just hopefully nobody starts yawning.

     i think my mind is finally open.  How do i explain that?  The other day Himself said to me; (in response to my anxieties about handling the new job) "... you're mind is like a sponge right now ..."   i don't recall all of the conversation (so much for the sponge theory eh?) but after mulling His words over for a bit, i think i understand what He was pointing out.  i am feeling like my mind is in a highly receptive state these days.  Like some dark thing has been lifted from it and i'm looking mostly forward.

     Not constantly backward the way i used to.  Not constantly dwelling on the negatives of my youth or the oppression i felt from my mother.  Although i feel guilty most of the time for thinking it, the mantra i used to say; "my life will start when her's is done", is proving to be true.  But i think all the changes are more than just the fact that she's gone.

     i think i was ready for them.  i think it took me a long time to find a good place inside of me, so that i could start looking outside of me.  With a good mental state that can accept my accomplishments, but more importantly put me 'out there' - out in the world where people  will actually test me and i don't have to be afraid of that.  i don't have to feel stupid if i don't know the answers.  i can make people feel smart for having the answers for me, which in turn i learn from.  And i do love learning.

     i guess a lot of this introspection is stemming from the introduction to the corporate world. And my reactions to that environment as i find myself dashing about from meeting to meeting or taking taxis clear across town to spend time in a branch office, then dashing off again to the subway to meet Himself and some friends at a restaurant, for a dinner out and the theater.  

     Who is this person, that only a year ago was still scared to death of the subway and high buildings?   Now i keep thinking of superman - leaping over tall buildings with a single bound.  Where the heck did i get that?  Craziness... 

                

Note:  pics below are clickable for navigation