APRIL 19, 2000
i just didn't have
the heart for writing during the remainder of last week And
then my son came to visit, from Sunday until today, which caused
me to be away from here even longer. But no guilty feelings
this time; i had a great visit with Him!
my body is physically
tired from this visit however. i was dragged through the
entire Eaton's Centre on Monday, and on Tuesday we walked to a
different mall. i was introduced to His current taste in
clothing, music, and girls. i listened to His pleased
expressions while reading a cookbook i bought for Him and we
attempted to make a pasta sauce together. (Thankfully Master
was nearby to fix what we were doing to it!) And we had lots
of good chats.
i asked Him how He felt
about my being here now, if He had any problems with it. His
response was that it was fine, and that He had expected it for
years anyway. Expected that i wouldn't stay where i was
forever. It makes me wonder just how much those years
affected Him. For the longest time, my main motivation for
staying in that life was because i felt i had already
"broken" a family environment once, and didn't want to
do it again to my children. Was it beneficial to them at
all? Or was i just fooling myself; using "family" as an
excuse to hide?
And those years i spent
partying; even though i managed to hide a great deal of that,
there must have been some overflow that both the children
saw. How much has that affected them as well? Master
says that He notices they say "mom" a lot, while they
are here ... as though needing a lot of my attention. Is
that a result of the partying years? Probably. Did i
ever break their trust in me? Probably that too.
********************
i took Him with me to a
munch. But before i did that, over a burger and fries lunch,
we had a good long talk about people and lifestyles. i told
Him about the "meeting" ... and about the types of
people that might be there. i asked for His opinions on
homosexuality, about cross-dressers, about Dominance and
submission. i liked His answers. i also think He's
been aware that i like alternative things. i didn't
"come out" specifically, and i don't think that is
necessary. How i live my life, what i do in that life, i
feel is deeply personal, and i am not obligated to share more than
i am comfortable with. Not even to my son. Besides, i
think He would also feel that some things just come under the
too-much-information category. i *am* His mother,
after all.
So we went to the munch,
we had a few beers (He got carded, which didn't faze Him a
bit. He says He's used to it.) and He was introduced to
people. He checked out the display of cuffs. He
watched while one was attached to my wrist to see if it would accommodate
small bones. He watched the interaction between the
Dominants and the submissives. He was polite and
friendly. i was pleased and proud.
He picked out a collar
for His girlfriend.
Now hang on. He's
not supposed to like it that much. Where is the
"Mooooommmm ... what are you doing? That's sick!"
stuff? Who is this girl anyway? i know i
have to learn to deal with my children's sexuality, but in the
lifestyle as well? And then there is all the anxiety
that if they do embrace all of this, are they going to do it
right? Am i going to be a good enough teacher to be able to
answer the questions that come my way?
What if He is only
interested in order to gain my approval?
So many
questions.
shadoe
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