June 1, 2000

i'm almost afraid to say this out loud but ... maybe the warm weather is here now and is going to stay for a bit.  Maybe.  One can only hope.   

     Sometimes i cruise back over old entries i've made in this journal and wonder who "that woman" was back then.  Yet it's not so long ago that i haven't forgotten how it felt to take the steps that have brought me to where i am now.  

     It's pretty clear that i have changed.  Changed much more than i ever thought i could.  Yes, there are still issues.  my past continues to haunt me, and my self-esteem takes huge dips downward sometimes.  But that sense of hopelessness, of desperation, resignation, that i used to have, is gone.  i know that this is a result of all the work that i've done, but i also know it is equally a result of the support and encouragement i've received from Master.  

     He makes me think.  Sometimes i get really angry with Him because of it, but more often i find myself responding like a sponge soaking up water.  Sometimes i even yell at Him when He does this to me.  (not very sub-like eh?)  But He doesn't just give me the easy answers.  He makes me explore and taste the thoughts and understand them.  

     i feel like my mind has finally opened up.  i don't feel the oppression of just existing, of getting up everyday to go to a job that, while challenging in the beginning, became monotonous in its sameness.  i get ideas now, thoughts and opinions that i'm willing to share.  

     i still have frustrations.  i wish that there had been the opportunity to get more education.  i wish i'd had the encouragement to pursue some of the dreams i carried inside me, years ago.  i'm praying that now that i am receiving the support, and being given the time,  that i can accomplish some of those dreams.  Sometimes life slips by too quickly.  i feel like i am rushing, trying to keep up.     

   

     On a lighter note.  The other day, while taking Master's daughter home, we drove by a house that had a rather large tree planted in the very center of a built-up front yard.  The rest of the area around the tree, up to the sidewalks and entranceway is completely covered in woodchips.  Yet planted right in the very front corner (my left side if you consider i am facing it) is a tiny sign that says "Weed Man". 

    Huh?  There's no lawn ... how can there be weeds?  Or is that the point?  Weed Man is so good, that all you need are woodchips when they're done.  Wacky.

     But i like people who think wacky like me.