July 13, 2000

   So, i'm on a variety of different mailing lists. i do enjoy them, although the messages tend to fill up the mailbox and "checking my email" is now at least a one hour affair.  Sometimes longer when you take into consideration the time for responses.  

     It appears i've been booted from one of these lists however.  Well, in actuality it could be that the list has been taken down for some reason.  But i've never received any information to that effect so i feel i should assume that i've been booted.  i mean, if the decision to take the list down has been made, wouldn't it be polite to inform the supporters of said list?  And okay i know it's not good to assume, but what else is there to do?  i've tried posting an email and it didn't pop back to me, so it must have reached the list owner.  Yet i'm still not getting any response.  Heh.  What's a gal to think?

     It's all pretty baffling.  It's also made me examine how i feel about it, about my reactions.  Stunned would be a good start, especially since i adhered to the lists' rules implicitly.  A series of questions, one per week, with a choice of answering one of those questions at some point during the month.  Checkmark.  i did that, without fail.  Okay, so it usually was the last week of the month, but most of the time that's because i liked the last question best.  

     No flaming, remaining polite and courteous, yet able to express true D/s thoughts, feelings, opinions and ideas.  Checkmark.  Did that too.  Master would have my hide for anything less.

     So, based on the assumption (there's that word again) that i've been booted, what was the basis for this decision?  i can only speculate.  Was it because my Master (who was also invited to join the list) didn't post the required once per month question/answer thing, and therefore, because He was booted, i am too?  Hmmm.  This suggests that having a Master means i've stopped being an individual.  Do i at least get to pick the colour of the doormat i'm supposed to be? 

     Of course it could have absolutely nothing at all to do with me.  Or with Master.  Perhaps the (assumed) boot was because i had a voice, had opinions and expressed them.  And those thoughts didn't (okay i'll be polite) ... fit well ... with the list Owner's own version of reality, and D/s.  Yet tolerance is a key component of this lifestyle.  Or at least that's what i've been told.  Quite frankly, Madame Butterfly may not have been the ideal mother, but she did teach me, and my siblings, about accepting others in all their differences.  And taught us to be polite.  

     Maybe i should thank that List Owner for helping me recognize another good quality in my mother.  

     i suppose all of this has taught me a lesson.  i'm not sure it's a good one though.  Is learning to be wary, ever good? After years of working with Master to learn that a person can trust and not get bitten, i'm finding myself slipping back into a past, defensive pattern.  Building up a wall to insulate myself from the god-like behaviour of some people around me.  Does a self-professed dominant get to be rude just because of  perceived status?  Am i supposed to expect to be treated as a non-entity because i am submissive?

     my gut reaction to these questions is *no*.  The reality however, is that my answer appears wrong.  

     How sad.  

      i always thought that one of the most important aspects of this lifestyle was the recognition and acceptance of diversity and individualism  among us.  So when i come up against an obvious behaviour showing me otherwise, i just feel disappointed.  Am i being naive?  Probably.