July 17, 2000

  Well i've done one positive thing toward getting myself writing again.  i joined a new mailing list, devoted to D/s erotica.   And if that doesn't help, i'll at least have new things to read.

     i uploaded to their member's file, the short story that was rejected awhile ago.  i haven't heard anything back yet.  Heh.  At this point i'm not sure if that is a good sign or a bad one.                

     Neeedt, neeedt, neeedt, neeedt, neeedt.  For two solid hours.  And to add to my misery this morning, i woke up an hour and a half before it went off.  So i got to listen to all of it.  Master's on a neighbour hunt, to try to get the problem resolved.

     Me?  i'm headed for a long afternoon nap.  

     In only two weeks the ezine has received over 1800 hits!  i cannot be more stunned ... shocked ... amazed ... pleased!  So many people are being helpful and supportive and i'm meeting many, many diverse characters.  And loving it.  

     i'm still not positive i like the layout of the pages, but for now just getting the material from Dominants and adding their work to the pages, is enough of a challenge.  The artsy stuff will have to wait.  Especially since the ezine isn't the only project i'm working on.

     i am having dreams about my mother again.  Sometimes i feel so hollow when i think about her, and yet at other times it feels just ... wrong ... not being able to pick up the phone and call her.  i found a note she'd penned to me years ago, stuffed inside the back cover of a book i'd never finished reading.  (i finally finished it this week and it's called the Blood Countess ... gave me the shivers!)  The basis of the note was her asking me to be patient with her while she sorted out all her feelings about her house, and her new boyfriend.  That i should consider myself as having an extra teenager around my home.  (We lived about 300 miles from each other, but she'd begun spending about 6 months of the year in the same city i was in, a few times at my house.)

     i read the note and just felt sad.  i remember when i first received it, and the huge amount of guilt i suffered.  i'd gotten angry with her about her increasing obsession with this man.  She'd started sitting by the phone for hours on end, waiting for him to call.  She wouldn't let my kids use the phone (it was their house!)  One time, i'd made lunch for her, and during the meal he arrived unexpectedly at the door.  She tossed her food in the garbage, answered the door, and asked him to take her out for something to eat.  Anyway, you get the idea of what was going on.  i was doing what i typically do, and that was to hold in all the hurt and the anger, until finally i couldn't anymore.  i said what i had to say, and she in turn got angry and hurt.  Then i received the note.  And felt guilty.

     When i about it now though, i realize that i was wrong to feel that.  The way she was behaving was not my fault.  i couldn't make her see, any more than she was willing or ready to see, that what she was doing was wrong.  And maybe not wrong for her, but wrong for all the people around her that she was hurting.  Not my fault.  

     She lived life with a single-minded selfishness i don't think i will ever be able to understand.  And maybe hollowness isn't the right word for how i feel sometimes.  It's more like i am numb.  Unable to feel any deep love for her; more pity and sadness than anything else.

     i wish it could be different.