August 23, 2000

      Wondering what the heck i'm up to?  So am i actually.  Something has been stewing about in my brain, and i fear i can't hold it in anymore.  However, i've been given explicit instructions from Master not to discuss the following topic with others, and this includes on mailing lists.  He did assure me however, that my journal is my own, to do with as i wish and to express my thoughts in.

     Yet i find myself still trying to word things very carefully, given that He still expects a certain level of decorum from me.  And also because i'm not comfortable with pointing fingers, nor ranting.  Better that i stay cool, calm and collected ... articulate in my words and thoughts and presenting them as best i can, while maintaining a sense of pride.  i don't want to look back and think "i can't believe i said/wrote that!"

            "... the sins of the father are to be laid upon the children ..."

     Now there's a concept i hadn't ever expected to have to come up against.  But apparently this is exactly what is happening.  Or to be a bit more clear, the sins of the Master are to be laid upon the submissive, is actually the reality.  And i'm struggling with the concept on a number of different levels. 

     In a post called confusion, i spoke about being kicked from a mailing list.  And spoke about all the possibilities of why this might have happened.  Never would i have imagined what the real reason seems to be.  It's so incredible that i at least now understand why it took so long to be thought up.... err.. explained.  Or something.

     See, there was this fellow who decided to host a different sort of play party.  A play party where only soft bluesy kind of music would be played, and no dancing would occur and the emphasis would be on offering quality space for those whom wanted to indulge in undisturbed scenes.  Gentle conversations and a relaxed atmosphere.  Master was asked to endorse and support this venue, and after much consideration decided that because of work, it would not be a good idea for His name to be specifically associated (example being printed on flyers or posted in websites)  The host said fair enough, He understood completely, but still welcomed us to His venue.

     Now, the Host still likes Master of course, and was very glad to see us show up to the opening.  He let us in for free that night, and for one other night.  We liked the atmosphere very much and encouraged others to come and enjoy.  i'd like to add that the atmosphere has/had nothing to do with the host ... yes, there were a lot of His friends there, but in general the crowd just had a lot of truly nice people there, and we had great fun visiting with them.

     One evening, the host approached Master and a few terse words were spoken.  Apparently people were questioning why we'd been allowed in free and what exactly was Master doing to deserve this?  To which He replied; " exactly what I've been asked to do ... nothing."  And from that point on, He paid for our admittance to the venue, to prevent any further misunderstandings.  

     Now during the weeks surrounding these events, the List Owner (from the list i was removed from and who has openly admitted doesn't like the venue Host)  asked Master if He was supporting the Host of the new venue, to which Master replied very honestly "no".  i wish i could remember the exact conversation, but i do recall Master explaining that He couldn't have His name on things, although He did intend to go and see how the venue would be.  

     Does that constitute support?  i don't believe it does, but then who am i to have an opinion?  Anyway, one of the evenings that we went to this place, we were handed some smallish type flyers to hand out for future events.  i think Master stuffed them in His pocket ... i haven't seen them since and i do know they didn't get handed out.  This is a common occurrence at a lot of the public venues we go to; word of mouth advertising is the best kind, and flyers are always available.  Most often, we haven't a clue, or even know, who the operators of the event are.

    Apparently, one evening i mentioned these flyers to the List-Owner-Who-Booted-Me, and He took that as "aha! so He is supporting the Host.  He lied to me."   Do we see where this is going yet?

     After asking for an explanation as to why i got booted, and never receiving one ... an email arrives with some cryptic words about 'repairing friendships', or some such thing.  i can't be exact as it wasn't sent to me.  That was August 2, right about the time that Master was deciding to be really sick again.  (thanks to the Chinese herbalist He is a lot better though!)  Nine days later, an email was sent back to this fellow,  encouraging a chat.  Then we hear nothing again, until after some heated words on yet another mailing list were posted, which i wrote about in my last entry.  

     This time it's a phone call ... and the reconciliation, the clearing of air, certainly didn't happen.  In fact, the caller didn't even hint at such a thing.  Merely accused Master of being a liar, and that if He'd really cared He wouldn't have taken a month to get back to Him.  A month?  We checked the email dates ... it was indeed nine days.  

     And the caller told Master that i said He was selling tickets for the Host of the venue, which means He is supporting the Host.  So that was the caller's proof that Master was a liar.  Hmmmm.  It's really hard to sell tickets, when they don't exist.  Baffled me.  The only conclusion i can reach is that the caller was thinking of the flyers i had mentioned.  

     And how does all this relate to me and my removal from the mailing list?  Well i'm Master's property dontcha know, therefore i bear His sins apparently.  i'm sure glad the only supposed crime was lying, and not murder.  i don't think i'd be suited for jail.  

     So.  i'm insulted that Master has been called a liar.  His integrity was questioned.  His honour.  In fact, even my intelligence to a degree, because this now suggests that i'm not smart enough to know whether my own Master is an honourable man or not.  i think after all this time, i'd have noticed something.   Master has a heart of gold, sometimes people take advantage of that.

    And i'm insulted because, as i said in the confusion entry, if i'm supposed to be a doormat, can't i at least pick the colour it will be.  Suggesting that i'm kicked off a list because i am someone else's property demonstrates (to me at least) that the kicker doesn't believe an owned submissive or slave has opinions other than what his/her Master says they are.  And if the Master does a supposed wrong, the submissive is guilty as well.  

     i need to explore my feelings about this some more ... it's hard to find a middle ground where i'm comfortable with my thoughts just yet.  i believe in supporting my Master 110%, and i will do so to the best of my ability.  The idea that it's assumed i am guilty of His supposed crimes had never occurred to me, and i don't agree with any of the concept.  And yet, there are people who will point to a Dominant and say "You didn't train that submissive properly", if a submissive makes a mistake.  The Dominant is expected to assume the responsibility.  But is He expected to pay the price as well?  i don't think so.

            "... the sins of the father are to be laid upon the children ..."

            "... the sins of the Master are to be laid upon the submissive/slave ..."

     What a bunch of hooey.