September 19, 2000

It's going to be a long day.  Last night i went out swing dancing and didn't get home and into bed until 2:30 a.m.!  And i've been up since 8:30, when Master's alarm clock rang.  Ouch.  And my muscles are a bit sore.  Which is  not a good thing since Master also decided that not only was He getting up early, but that i should wear the ankle and wrist cuffs today as well.  i'm trying not to clank the brass clasps hanging from them, as i type this.  

      And i still have a computer graphics course to attend this evening.  

      MUCH, MUCH, MUCH LATER ... okay two days later.  It's the 21st now.  And obviously i never did get back to the computer the other day.  Well i did, briefly.  Long enough to read some email but that's about it.  The day just got busier, as right after lunch Master decided we should scene ... and then i had to get my head down out of the clouds long enough to go to class and a munch afterwards.

      He did something new this time, that still sends shivers through me.  Not because of what it did to me physically, but because of what it did to my head.

      The very first time we shared a scene together, He used a switch made of light rattan and made the mistake of wetting my butt with some ice cubes first.  The combination of wet skin and switch caused me to bleed and to be honest i didn't realize it, but the thought has always stuck in my mind.  So anytime i see that toy i cringe.  It also has a particular sound as it's swooshing through the air, that i don't believe i'll ever forget.

      This time Master had tied me to the bed, face up, and covered me with layers of blankets.  i was blindfolded as well.  He left the room for awhile, and i lay quietly listening to music He'd selected.  Suddenly He was back, and i heard the whistling sound of the switch.  My mind, and most of my body, cringed.  But then He did the neatest thing ... for me it was a mind fuck.

      He tapped the switch over my entire body through the layer of blankets.  It was the strangest sensation and totally confused me.  But then He pulled back one of the blankets, and repeated the motion.  And i knew exactly what was coming.  What to expect.  Layer by layer was peeled away until He reached my skin and i swear i felt my chest tighten in anticipation.  i could feel the intensity of the toy increasing, even though He used it equally through each layer.  My mind raced ahead to the sting, before my body got there.

      i loved it.

      i'm happy to report that we stayed in bed for the rest of the afternoon, and i floated sleepy/daze-like into class.  Only the cold air from the air-conditioning kept me alert enough to learn anything.  And later, at the munch, trying to keep up with all the conversations was a bit of a test.  But i had great fun anyway.

      A most excellent day :)

      i can't believe how busy i've become lately.  And it seems like my days get more and more disorganized.  Probably because i'm trying to do too much at once.

      Last weekend i did another convention where i helped seniors learn how to access and effectively use the internet.  One of the comments i heard a few times (and i personally found very sad) was: " oh, i got the machine from my son/daughter, but they are so busy right now, they don't have time to show me ... "

      Maybe i'm too sensitive.  The relationship i had with my mother was strained at best, and maybe this happens in a lot of families.   But i just felt sad for those people.  They spoke of their children with such pride, yet there was a tinge of longing in their voice when they made the above statement.  Why is it we get so busy we forget what is really important?  There's just no second chance at hugs once our parents are gone.

      It's nearly a year now since my mother died.  And still i hear her voice on the answering machine.  That one last time.  Three days before she was gone, strung out on morphine and lord knows what else as she gave in to cancer, still trying to use the phone.  "It's just me, janine."  That's it.  That's all she said.  And i still feel the guilt and i have trouble seeing the keyboard through the haze of tears as i type this, because i wasn't there to answer the phone.  

      Maybe she'd have said 'i love you'.  i won't ever know.