November 6, 2000

Copy #5 of the Ezine is now online and i swear it's starting to get a bit overwhelming in it's size.  But people seem to be really enjoying it and like to participate.  i have to admit i didn't think i'd make it this far; i wasn't 100% confident that people would continue to be interested in the concept.  But the hit counter registers over 1500 each month, so that must mean something!             

      Master and i had our first monthly meeting a few weeks ago and it went extremely well.  It is a concept that Mistress and rosey practice, that Master felt might have some value for us as well.  i was asked by some submissives from a mailing list how the meeting went, and the following is what i sent to them:

... the monthly meeting went extremely well, much better than we anticipated and i'd recommend it to anyone in a steady relationship, regardless of the type of relationship it is.

the guidelines were that the discussion didn't necessarily have to be based on anything D/s .. although some of that did get covered. We also were not allowed to argue, nor take anything out of the meeting and keep it grudge-like in our minds. What got talked about got resolved and left behind. Nothing was broached in a "You said, i said .. " manner. Rather it was presented as "when this happens i feel ... " This helped alleviate any confrontational behaviour.

i'll give a few examples of what we discussed (we covered many topics in about an hour and half span ... i wouldn't recommend much longer than that)

i finally admitted to Himself that i am pacing in this tiny apartment. i am not used to living in such small quarters and it's been nearly a year (and the tenant drives me crazy sometimes) But financially, opening up the rest of the house for ourselves is not the best idea at the moment. i asked if it was possible for Him to give me a time frame which i could wrap my mind around, because then i'd have a goal and i wouldn't be sitting here each day praying the tenant moves out. (i already said a long time ago i will work as many jobs as it takes rather than re-rent!) Because the mortgage comes "due" next September, we are looking at at least one more year until Himself knows exactly where He stands in that dept. Also, if He decides He wants to sell, the apt. needs to be empty (meaning we would use the space), for one year in order to avoid capital gains. So, the end agreement is we are here for at least two years, one upstairs, and "maybe" one having the entire house. But now that i know this, i know what i have to adjust to, and for me that is much better!

Another topic we touched on was the use of safewords. Up until this point, i've never used one with Him, and because of His reaction when laura used yellow (last summer) i decided i never would. However, i had not ever told Him this information. One of the ways we play is that i get the oh-yeah-You-cant-hurt-me attitude, and He becomes conqueror, something we both enjoy doing. Shortly before the meeting however, during our bedtime ritual, He decides to use a flogger on me. i was on my hands and knees in a position on the floor that wasn't conducive to good flogging, and unfortunately He caught me on the tender bits. i shifted away and He pulled me back, but it happened again and i shifted again... mumbling this time that things weren't working. i don't recall the exact wording. He missed this signal however (He never misses signals usually) and said "too bad, get back here, kneel now!".. thinking that this was just part of the scene. Unfortunately, those words hit a major trigger in my head (my mother used to beat me up).. and before i could realize it myself ... i was moving again, and the words "fuck YOU!" were spilling past my lips.

You can imagine how well that went over. 

Later he asked why hadn't i safeworded... and i was asking why didn't You catch my signals??? So all of this came to the monthly meeting as well. And regardless of the use or non-use of safewords, it was a lesson to us both that it's easy to get too relaxed in a relationship and just stop noticing things.

So, that's some of what we talked about. It went well, it wasn't 'heavy' like i thought it would be ... in fact i'd have to say a huge weight has been lifted from both our shoulders and we feel closer than ever. We both were able to say things we'd ordinarily keep inside for fear of arguments (something most people avoid at all costs)

      So that was the general idea.  We did touch on several other topics, but i think the most important thing to come out of the meeting is how we've been with each other since then.  We are very much more relaxed with each other.  It seems we are able to say things to each other in a gentler way.  The proverbial chalkboard has been wiped clean of built up angst and all that remains is the importance of how much we want this relationship to work.  i am making more concentrated efforts at doing the things that produce big impacts, such as saying "Sir" more, and meaning it.  He's making more efforts to suggest daily things, like wearing the day cuff, to help reinforce my headspace and keep our D/s flowing, even in the vanilla world.  And i know the level of impact the meeting had, when i find Himself telling friends (vanilla and/or D/s alike) all about it.

      After nearly a year of living together, we'd started to scatter a bit, losing focus of how we both want things to be.  Since the meeting our focus has sharpened and the path is a lot straighter.  Right to each other.  Perfect :)