December 3, 2000

 And another week drifts by.  One that was spent sick for the most part - which is never very fun.  

     i'd gone to the gym with E on Monday morning, and felt fine, but by late afternoon my throat started getting sore and by Tuesday morning i was in the clutches of a full-blown head cold.  Ick.  But at least it hasn't traveled very far into my chest.  It has held me back from dance class and the amount of exercising i wanted to do however.  And by Friday i'd decided i felt a bit better so went to the gym, only to feel like i'd been hit by a Mack truck later on.  Darn.

     It's all starting to get better however, and i'm scheduled to go with E again tomorrow.  i find it interesting that i've gotten serious about gaining some sort of fitness - this is one area of my life i've never been very ambitious about - but being able to move well as i age seems a very smart thing to want.  Even if all i do is light stretching it will be a lot better than the couch potato i've become.

     Said son is officially in his own place and we have privacy again!  Problem is, between me being sick and Master getting really busy we haven't had a minute's chance to indulge very many of those 'requires privacy' moments.  Darn again.  

     And the next few weeks don't look promising.  On the flip side, we are both really busy with much needed work and that is always a good thing.

     Yet because the prodigal son has been here we haven't even been able to indulge in wearing the day cuffs and because of my sore throat i spent most of last week not wearing the collar to bed - and, and, and .... okay i'm whining.  We aren't even having the nice candle-lit dinners the way we used to :(

     Okay, i know it's only temporary.  But i'm discovering i am a creature of ritual - i need that security.  Maybe it's because i could never trust the good moments in my past to last very long.  Every adult inch of me says things are just fine and we haven't lost our D/s relationship and that it's normal for things to get hectic and that after a year of living together it's good that we settle into a different comfort level, however ... (if i was saying this out loud i'd be gasping by now!)

     However.  i guess some things in our past just don't ever go away.  We learn how to deal with them better i suppose.  But they never go away.  And a smudge of that collective past still affects reactions no matter how desperately we try not to let that happen.  So growing up in a jekyll and hyde household, and then two failed primary relationships probably makes me more anxious, and more determined, to keep this one with Master as healthy and happy as possible.

     my biggest fear now is that i'll worry it away.  

     Gads, am i making any sense today?     

     On one of my infamous mailing lists, the comment was made that BDSM is all about sex.  i went huh?  and the following is what i replied:

shadoe,
I am a little confused here. You say that for you, it has nothing to with sex. If it doesn't turn you on, why bother to do it. I don't want to get into the "Clinton" argument but to me, If it turns you on (sexually) it IS sex.

(me)
i bother to do it *because* BDSM is not solely about sex.. it's about filling the needs of Dominant and submissive *personalities*(the things in the mind that make us tick).. it doesn't *just* turn on my body (although at times there are scenes which are specific to that purpose).. it touches every element of my personality, my mind. i could no more stop being submissive than i could stop breathing and expect to survive. 

Getting tied up hits a part of my psyche that has absolutely nothing to do with sex. My body may or may not respond sexually, depending on the circumstances surrounding it. Sometimes i (and my body) react only in appreciation of the pain, and my need for it. Sometimes i (and my body)
react only in appreciation of the lovely headspace i get to float in. Sometimes i (and my body) react only with the release of all the pent of angst i sometimes hold in.

And when Master decides... *then* there are times He will indulge the sexual aspects. 

But obeying my Master is *not* dependant on sexual gratification ... and my masochistic personality likes getting flogged just for the sake of the flogging and the yummy pain it produces.

Perhaps i view things differently because for the first seven months of my relationship with Himself, we did not indulge in sex. Instead we worked through years of self denial of my personality.. we worked through to the core to be sure i was naturally submissive and not merely trying to be cause i thought that's what girls did (i was raised in the girls did/boys
did mindset)... we worked through years of the fact that for me, sex was so easily gotten, i was enormously jaded by the concept. 

i'll be the first one to admit that there's nothing better than kinky sex (for me anyway *g*)... but i don't believe it's just about sex. 

bdsm and or d/s is about sex as much as any other lifestyle is about sex....its only a portion of what its all about and i know long time D/s partners who only scene ... no sex at all. 

i also think there's a huge difference between *turn-on* and *need*. i don't need kinky sex in my bdsm and or d/s relationship in order for it to survive and i'm still turned on by plain old missionary at times *smiling*

(/me)

     the writer replied back to me:

I realize that there are other aspects in any type of relationship that are as important, if not more important than sex but with me sex is way up there near the top.

     and i finished off with:

(me)

therein might lie our difference then ... for me.. sex is absolutely a wondrous and glorious thing to indulge in as often as possible, but i'm not driven by it anymore. It's become the icing on the cake of a very satisfying relationship that will still survive even when we are old and *bite my tongue* maybe unable to get it up anymore! He'll still be my Master and i'll still be content 

(/me)

     And that's just how i think it's all supposed to be :)

     Oops.  Almost forgot.  i had a short story published in an online journal!  A definite bright spot in my cold-ridden week.  "Amoret Journal" (warning - it's really slow loading)