December 15, 2000

The computer wars continue.  i'm beginning to think that anything mechanical and i are simply not going to get along this year.  And Microsoft products stink.  (is that considered libel and i'm going to get sued now?  Good! i'm ready for it!)

     i wish i could get as rich as Mr. Microsoft et al, on products that are a buggy as hell!

     Heh.  Rant over.

     Tomorrow it will be one year since i moved in with Master.  Sometimes it seems like yesterday, yet sometimes it feels like i've always been here.  i remember how nervous i was.  

     i'd gotten up early that morning, and showered, finished off the little bit of packing that was left, then enjoyed a coffee with T.  She left early though, since both of us struggled with being really teary eyed about me leaving.  A few hours later my son arrived and we set off in the van.  It must have seemed very strange to him, to be driving his mother to another city to live.  Yet he was so very mature that day!  i find it amazing how much both the kids changed, and quickly, after the age of 16.  

     i still remember how much i enjoyed that trip with said son.  His lighthearted humour helped banish some of my nervousness; he didn't seem to think i was crazy at all for what i was doing.  And considering the fact that less than one year later, he's moved to the very same city i'm in, i suppose he might have been a bit envious of me at the time. 

     And i still remember arriving here.  Walking into the house and up the stairs and wondering where Himself was; since He didn't greet me at the door.  (This was something He'd stopped doing months before ... i think we both enjoyed the ritual of Him waiting quietly - usually in the kitchen - as i climbed the stairs each week.  A momentary build up before that first instance of eye contact.)

     i found Him sitting quietly at His computer, and He had an almost sheepish look on His face as He gently told me there was something for me in the kitchen.  And i was delighted with the bouquet of flowers and the sticky buns that i love, that i found there.   

     The first few months were hard.  Master was sick over Christmas and New Year's.  i was away from my kids. i was away from everything familiar in fact.  We had a gazillion ups and downs - both of us tend to react rather passionately to the ends of the emotional spectrum - but this past year has been more up and that's a good, good thing.

     i believe we've both worked hard.  Never have i felt as protected and cared for, as i have with Him.  He supports me as i try to make my way in the world of self-employment, He supports me when i come crashing down and depressed.  And i do the same for Him.

     i believe the type of relationship we have has helped both of us find a way of making this work, and last night i became even more aware of it by the following example.

     In past relationships, so much emphasis has been placed on me having to be the stoic one, that after awhile i'd stop asking for things - stop caring what they wanted or didn't want.  The ex loved long hair, but i'd not broken the negative influence of my mother yet, so i'd cut it off anyway.  That's only one example, but a pretty good one.

     In this D/s relationship with Master, things work a lot differently, and much more effectively, to both our satisfaction.  Last night i brought up the topic of shaving.  We'd gone to bed early since His call time was before the sun was shining today, and after i'd knelt, then brought Him the collar and snuggled in beside Him, i asked for a favour.  i explained that i have to have a physical in January, done by the family doctor.  i've only been to her a few times, and never been examined by her - or by a female practitioner for that matter.  So i asked Himself if i could have permission to *not* shave from now until after the visit.  After i'd presented my reasons why, He said yes, that was fine.  (We aren't talking about my underarms or legs here!)

     In past relationships, it would not have gone so smoothly.  (no pun intended :)  i'd have simply made the decision and most likely an argument, or at least a lot of complaining, would have ensued, and the result would have been hard feelings.  With the boundaries of this relationship clearly in place, i don't have to become defensive or edgy or confrontational.  i know that i can remain calm, present my idea and it will be listened to and respected.  He might have said no to my request, but He would have explained why, and i'd have respected His decision.  And that's so much better than a whining " ... but I don't want you too ..." and a bunch of arguing.

     i'm not saying i live in an idealistic garden of flowers and butterflies and i'm not saying the roses don't have thorns.  We both can be very fiery at times.  But if i can be a bit poetic at all - i'd have to say the flames flicker just about right for the both of us.

     And nothing is finer than Him reaching for me in the darkness and feeding those flames.