February 24, 2001

 i just realized i messed up the date yesterday.  It really *was* the 23rd that i wrote the previous post.  Honest!

     i woke up this morning with the urge to write.  And with a massive headache.  Our friend N (You know who You are!) stopped in with a six pack of beer, which lead to wine, which lead to a glass of sherry with Master when He came home.  Ouch.  And only potato chips for dinner.  You'd think i would know better by now.

     We had a great visit though!  We shared our passion for computer-like things, plucked eyebrows and chatted up a storm.  It was all very good - especially since it's been too long since we've had the chance.  And the bonus was i was in a very celebratory mood to begin with since another customer has given the okay to a site design of mine! Yes!  A few more like that and a bit of temp work to beef things up and i'll have more time options in well ... no time at all.  :)  i'm thinking the summer off would be a good thing.        

     Someone told me recently that one of the reasons they like reading my journal is because it also gives them insight into how Himself thinks.  i thought that more than a bit interesting.  i think we reveal a lot about ourselves even without words as well.  Here's an example:

     In spite of the up and down relationship my mother and i shared, there were some good moments between us.  For one, she was the only person who understood, encouraged and appreciated my love for just about anything of oriental design.  In fact a lot of the items i have of that flavour were given to me by her.  And one of the items was a small white dish with a blue motif circling the outside surface.  It was one of the first things i unpacked when i moved here because not only do i like it, but i sensed Master would as well.

     And i was right.  He did like it and used it frequently to mix small amounts of spices or marinade.  Unfortunately, the other night when He was doing exactly that, after He set it in the sink to be washed something fell on it and it was broken.  We didn't notice right away however - so a bit of time passed before He suddenly heard my gasp.  And the words 'my mother gave me that dish ...' pass by my lips.  

     i struggled not to cry, which was about the moment that i think i finally accepted that it's okay to let go some of the anger i've been carrying around about her.  That it's okay that a huge part of me (still) loved her.  And i think Master has known all along but recognized that i needed to get there on my own.  He probably won't know that i am until He reads this though because i haven't discussed any of this since the dish got broken.

     Anyway, that night He pulled me into His arms and hugged hard.  i know He felt hugely bad about breaking the dish and insisted that it could be glued back together.  i was more than a bit doubtful.  And i thought that sometimes you just have to let go of things.  Right?  i reassured Him it was okay and not to worry about it.  

     Well He washed the pieces anyway and set them on the counter to dry.  Yesterday morning, while i was waiting on the kettle to boil for tea, i experimented with trying to set the chips back into place and then decided to just put it all in the garbage and look for another dish to replace it.  i really didn't want Master to worry any more.

      Last night i found the dish and its pieces sitting back on the counter again.  And i cannot begin to describe how that made me feel.  How that small gesture touched me right to my very core.  It said more than any words ever could.

      And you know - i think once that dish is glued back together again it will hold something even more valuable than the food it once held.