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March
21, 2001
So i've received some gentle
prodding via email to write again. i've got a
gazillion excuses when excuses don't count, yet all of them
are valid. But the main truth of the matter is i
think i just hit a wall of mindlessness. It was
starting to feel like i was boring even myself with
endless prattle about the same topics. my mind just
went blank about anything that felt valid to me. And my
emotions were on a seesaw that i wasn't sure i wanted to
share - most of them grumpy emotions. A lot of them
generated from the gentle slide away from the physical
demonstrations side of my D/s life with the big guy.
Like we have had time for any!
And the funny
part of all this is i'm not evening referring to sex or
scenes or any of that high-energy stuff - i'm talking
about the power balance; the mind stuff that keeps my head
where it should be. Like the shift that happened
when the pay cheques actually starting accumulating in my
bank account which meant i now didn't have to ask Him for
my $40.00 per week. (Twenty i'd use for me, the other
twenty for the transit tickets to get to work) For
me, it worked better when i got the money from Him.
Being responsible for myself suddenly put me directly back
into a space that i occupied for years, where i had
to struggle to make ends meet and had to struggle with the
responsibility that never felt comfortable. Not that
i don't want to be responsible for myself - it's just that
at that point in my life i was the major decision maker
and the pressure of a mate who was totally dependant
(read: couldn't make a decision if his life depended on
it!) was just overwhelming. (i can hear feminists
everywhere screaming right now)
And the truth of
the matter is i'm just not very good at money
management anyway. Or perhaps a better way of
putting it is that it makes me edgy and that's a feeling
i'd rather not have anymore.
The past weeks
have seen many changes and lots of exhaustion. We
started the renovations to the main floor of the house and
it seems each night we barely have energy left to crawl
into bed. Most of the time i've been bringing the
collar into bed and giving it to Himself, instead of our
kneeling routine, and to be honest it's just as
pleasant. We get to snuggle under the blankets and
still have the quiet moment. But other than my usual
two handed serving and etc., that's been the extent of our
outward expressions of D/s. And that's made me edgy.
Finally last week
i mentioned to Master that i'd like to at least wear the
day cuffs to help put my head where it needs to be.
We haven't even had a scene in over 5 weeks! i'm
beginning to pace. So Friday night, when we took
some friends to our favourite bar around the corner, He
brought them along and had me wear them. And so far
He has not instructed me to remove them. To the
vanilla eye, it looks like i'm wearing a bracelet - and
i'm assuming He'll fasten them to both wrists as He sees
fit. He did exactly that at the munch we went to
last night. So in a funny, obscure way, wearing them puts
me in a good place - perhaps because there's always the
'potential' for a spontaneous moment.
i think He
understood my need though. Saturday we had a lot of
people here helping to tear the walls down on the main
floor (a dirty job by the way!) and He started my day off
perfectly by grabbing a handful of my hair gently and
telling me to kneel. He then pulled my head against
His tummy and whispered "have a good day".
Heh. i floated through it after that.
i understand
perfectly that He can't always be 'on' when it comes to
our D/s interaction and yes, that the power exchange
doesn't go away even when we aren't indulging in
demonstrations of it - but i am also aware of how easy it
is to become complacent and to stop working at a
relationship. Lord knows i've lived through enough
failed ones.
So in reality -
even though we are so busy it's nearly ridiculous, that's
still no excuse for being lax about what's really
important. And what's important is 'us'.
Okay. Gone
again to the sea of plaster dust.
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