April 21, 2001

so i'm still not managing my time well.  Or maybe it's simply that my time is managing me instead.  For sure it seems like there aren't enough hours in the day to get anything done that i'm supposed to.  And here it is the weekend - time for catch up right?  Heh.  Well first there is the pressure that i haven't written here.  Then i know that E will be calling to go to the gym in about another hour and i'm still in my pyjamas.  But i've bailed so many times on her that i don't dare do so again.

     Then i have an interview this afternoon with a woman who is writing a book (which i'm really looking forward to!) and my own writing i want to do (the itch is really increasing now, especially since i've been invited to participate in an anthology of stories) and then of course there is the web designing, which i haven't been able to work on all week. 

    And i won't have time when i get back from the interview since Master has decided we are going to attend a fet night.  Heh!  Plus dinner at the S&S household beforehand.  Do i sound like i'm kvetching?  i'm not really - if i were bored that would be worse.  i'm just feeling a tad overwhelmed and feeling like things are out of control - which always makes me edgy.  

     Did i mention that the house is still under construction and filthy and that makes me crazy?

     Himself celebrated a birthday this week.  i use the term celebrated loosely however, since i don't think He really views these yearly events with any great amount of enthusiasm.  In fact, once the day is over and done with, He seems to be in much better spirits.  

     Much better ... especially when He gets to not only use His new wine glasses, but also the rather stingy pocket flogger that i got Him.  Said flogger is a bit large for a regular pocket though - it's tresses are about 16 or 18 inches long, on a 6 inch handle - and it's a very nasty little piece of work.  i discovered this right about the same time i was stripped then ordered to be kneeling on the couch backwards.. now! Yikes.

     i am positive the neighbours heard us this time, especially since the couch is up against the common wall between us and their bedroom.  And it's pretty amazing what one can do on a loveseat sized couch/futon.  i thought about describing it (did i ever mention *that* is one of my favourite positions?) but then i realized it will be more fun seeing the faces of people who visit us and who also read this journal, gaze at the couch and *know* what occurs on it.  

     Okay, and i just glanced at the clock and realized i've run out of time already.  More later.

     And so it's later.  i've done the gym thing, plus walked there and back, and had breakfast.  Which included bacon and i suppose that's totally self defeating for getting back into shape.  Ah well.  It was good.

     On the way out the door i continued kvetching to Himself about my seeming lack of time these days.  His stock answer is to do something about it - like drop some things - but what?  Give up the journal?  The ezine or the gym or the web designing or the writing?  i can't imagine it.  If i were rich i'd cheerfully give up the working outside of the home concept, but the rest i need to keep.  i spent too many years not accomplishing anything other than a clean house and holding down a job.  And i certainly never indulged a creative ounce of myself.  Now i feel like i'm running out of time.

     i asked Him once again to organize me.  Not the nitpicking kind of organizing - i don't need twenty-four hour maintenance nor do i think He is interested in doing that - but rather the sort of organizing that just hmmm.. supports i guess, what i already do on my own.  i'm getting baffled here.  

     To be clearer, an example might be His telling me that i am to go to the gym before coming home after work, once or twice per week.  Preferably working around His aikido schedule.  See?  i know how it 'should' work ... but i don't have the self-discipline for some things, and this is one of those things.  i can discipline myself quite nicely for getting to work and my own guilt takes care of the journal (well the need to hash things out does as well.)  But other times i need the push.  And silly as it sounds, the push puts my head into a very nice subspace.

     Yet if i say "Sir, please tell me when to go to the gym this week," is that topping from the bottom?  Or merely expressing a need.  And expressing needs is alright ... right?  

     i'm very good at confusing myself.

     Something else happened last night that had me exploring my reactions.  i'd checked my email and did some putzing on the computer after work, including watching some news broadcasts via the real player browser (we don't have tv.)  i then decided to head to the kitchen to talk with Himself, the news being one of the things i wanted to talk about.  

      Himself had His nose buried in a book, but usually that isn't a problem and i started talking.  i received short half answers in that annoying way He has sometimes, and i probably wasn't going about expressing my interest in chatting with Him in a very good way - but i ended up frustrated and feeling a bit rejected.  i got a bit annoyed and we had a few tense moments, but it passed and we got back on track.  He put the book down and we ended up chatting for several hours after that, as He made a soup and we had dinner.  

     i did a lot of thinking though, about my reasons for feeling rejected, and also why it was important to me that we visit.  First of all i think a large part of it had to do with our hectic schedules lately - our once per week D/s alone time night, has not been happening - and i saw an opportunity to correct that last night.  Basically what all that means though, is that i miss our daily chats.

     And why do i miss them so much?  Well when i dug deeper into my head to figure that out i remembered all those years of night after night of coming home from work, and after making a meal for the family, spending the rest of the night alone.  Usually online, talking to people i'd never met face to face and just plain feeling lonely.  The kids weren't interested in hanging around with mom - they had their own lives to enjoy.  And any real connection i'd had with the hubster was tenacious at best - most of the time we'd end up arguing anyway.  A few friends were still around - but i don't think they really understood where my head was at, so that got lonely too.  

     i wish i'd 'outed' myself to my girlfriend N though, since now that she does know she's been 100% supportive, if perhaps still a bit confused by how i live.  If i'd shared with her, maybe those years of trying to bury myself hermit-like in the house, wouldn't have happened.

     So i guess all of that combined in my head to make me feel rejected when at first Himself seemed to want to keep reading, instead of visiting with me.  For a moment i had a sense of deja vous, of endless nights sitting alone wondering if this was it - this was life for another 40 years.  

     i don't think my sanity could handle that again.