May 2, 2001

     So it's starting to take shape and i am not sure how i feel about the results. (this site design i mean)  It's certainly startling - my mind doesn't usually go this way in site design - but i think i'm getting used to it and liking it.  A lot.  And it feels good to indulge my passion for hands.  i don't know how long i'll actually keep putting in pics of them though.  It might get a bit tedious after awhile.

     so it's official. i really live here now. how do i know this? because for the first time in over 18 months of living together - i colored my hair in front of the big guy. yikes. He said i looked like a ferengi (spelling?) and wasn't really impressed with the smell. But we both managed to survive the trauma of it all fairly well. Even survived a bit of good natured teasing about what i had under that plastic cape anyway.  Still, i don't intend to do it in front of Him again if i can avoid it. i dunno, somehow all this regular stuff seems to take the romance out of living together. i don't like that feeling at all.

     My friend S said i shouldn't be colouring my hair since it's already so fragile and thin, and i know she's right, but my response to her 'grow old gracefully' was definitely "not!"  i'm not ready for a head of gray hair, thank you very much.  i know i will be eventually - but not today!  Not this month or this year either.  i have been seriously contemplating cutting it really short though.  

     If i get brave enough.

     And if Himself can handle the idea.

     Speaking of Himself, i'm in a bit of trouble again.  And again it's over the bedtime/playtime collar.  i certainly don't seem to have much luck with it, although this is the third strike so maybe that's it.

     Lately, (insert the renovation/my working lament) we've both been more than just a lot tired when it's bedtime, and our ritual of me kneeling and Him attaching said collar is not happening.  More than a few times He's already been in bed and i'll bring it to Him, and we snuggle under the sheets together.  Sound nice?  It is. 

     A few times it's been me that has gone to bed early, but i ask before getting into bed.  "May i get into bed please?" is what i say. (Sometimes i even remember Sir!) And then i'm expected to bring the collar into bed with me (yes, i forgot a couple times)  Same scenario - under the sheets, cuddle collar and sleep.

     However, somewhere in the back of my head it's been feeling like He's just forgetting about the whole thing with regard to the importance of the ritual.  i've been trying to examine my emotions on all of this and it's pretty mixed up at best.  But it seems that because i'm still asking for permission to get into bed - then i'm still maintaining our power exchange in the best way possible.  

     But when He leaves the computer and crawls into bed without any warning ... just gets up, brushes His teeth and crawls into bed without so much as an "it's bedtime" or "goodnight" or any indication as to what i'm supposed to be doing (is it okay to stay up late? am i supposed to go to bed now? what about the collar?) then it feels like He's simply ignoring 'our' nighttime ritual.  

     Put a bit of booze in this kid's belly, combine it with the growing confusion, shake it all up a bit and we get grumpy.  Edgy and sullen.  Heh.  i never said i was perfect.

     So.  The other night, when all this kicked in, i decided to kneel at the bed - hoping He'd join me.  He didn't.  He told me to get into the bed and bring the collar.  And i admit He did it all nicely.  i spluttered something about kneeling and ritual and He repeated Himself.  i felt insulted and out came my typical "fine then" and i tossed the collar toward Him, intending for it to land in the center of the bed.

     It didn't.  Why the heck would that work?  Did you know that a collar done up makes a circle?  And what does a circle resemble?  A frisbee of course.  And does one always have control of where the frisbee lands?  Nope.

     Ping.  Right off the edge of His glasses.  Do i need to describe that cold feeling of terror in the pit of my stomach?  Apologies were FLYING as fast as the collar/frisbee did, out of my mouth.  And continued as He closed His face (yes that is possible - i just witnessed it) and got out of bed and stomped to the futon where He fully intended to now sleep.  Course that led to me insisting there was no way i would allow that - i don't believe in separate angry beds - and if He slept there then i was too.

     Eventually i left Him sitting there, buck naked, and went to bed.  i figured if He couldn't accept the fact that i was sincerely sorry and NEVER intended to bean Him with the collar, then there wasn't much more i could do.  About ten minutes later He did come back to the bed and we woke the next morning in each other's arms.  And He accepted my apology.  (Well okay i woke Him up to talk about it - i didn't want to start our day angry with each other)

     We do still have to discuss all of this - life again has gotten in the way - and last night i was not asked for the collar so i know He hasn't forgotten.  We just need to find away that keeps me from getting anxious when there are changes and a way for Him to let me know there are changes.    

     Sometimes our past really does come back to haunt us.  But i'm determined to learn.     

Note:  pics below are clickable for navigation