May
2, 2001
So
it's starting to take shape and i am not sure how i feel
about the results. (this site design i mean) It's
certainly startling - my mind doesn't usually go this way
in site design - but i think i'm getting used to it and
liking it. A lot. And it feels good to indulge
my passion for hands. i don't know how long i'll
actually keep putting in pics of them though. It
might get a bit tedious after awhile.

so it's official. i really live here now. how do i know this? because for
the first time in over 18 months of living together - i colored my hair in
front of the big guy. yikes. He said i looked like a ferengi (spelling?)
and wasn't really impressed with the smell. But we both managed to survive
the trauma of it all fairly well. Even survived a bit of
good natured teasing about what i had under that plastic
cape anyway. Still, i don't intend to do it in front
of Him again if i can avoid it. i dunno, somehow all this regular stuff
seems to take the romance out of living together. i don't like that feeling
at all.
My
friend S said i shouldn't be colouring my hair since it's
already so fragile and thin, and i know she's right, but
my response to her 'grow old gracefully' was definitely
"not!" i'm not ready for a head of gray
hair, thank you very much. i know i will be
eventually - but not today! Not this month or this
year either. i have been seriously contemplating
cutting it really short though.
If
i get brave enough.
And if Himself can handle the idea.

Speaking of
Himself, i'm in a bit of trouble again. And again
it's over the bedtime/playtime collar. i certainly
don't seem to have much luck with it, although this is the
third strike so maybe that's it.
Lately, (insert
the renovation/my working lament) we've both been more
than just a lot tired when it's bedtime, and our ritual of
me kneeling and Him attaching said collar is not
happening. More than a few times He's already been
in bed and i'll bring it to Him, and we snuggle under the
sheets together. Sound nice? It is.
A few times it's
been me that has gone to bed early, but i ask before
getting into bed. "May i get into bed
please?" is what i say. (Sometimes i even remember
Sir!) And then i'm expected to bring the collar into bed
with me (yes, i forgot a couple times) Same scenario
- under the sheets, cuddle collar and sleep.
However,
somewhere in the back of my head it's been feeling like
He's just forgetting about the whole thing with regard to
the importance of the ritual. i've been trying to
examine my emotions on all of this and it's pretty mixed
up at best. But it seems that because i'm still
asking for permission to get into bed - then i'm still
maintaining our power exchange in the best way
possible.
But when He
leaves the computer and crawls into bed without any
warning ... just gets up, brushes His teeth and crawls
into bed without so much as an "it's bedtime" or
"goodnight" or any indication as to what i'm
supposed to be doing (is it okay to stay up late? am i
supposed to go to bed now? what about the collar?) then it
feels like He's simply ignoring 'our' nighttime
ritual.
Put a bit of
booze in this kid's belly, combine it with the growing
confusion, shake it all up a bit and we get grumpy.
Edgy and sullen. Heh. i never said i was
perfect.
So. The
other night, when all this kicked in, i decided to kneel
at the bed - hoping He'd join me. He didn't.
He told me to get into the bed and bring the collar.
And i admit He did it all nicely. i spluttered
something about kneeling and ritual and He repeated
Himself. i felt insulted and out came my typical
"fine then" and i tossed the collar toward Him,
intending for it to land in the center of the bed.
It didn't.
Why the heck would that work? Did you know that a
collar done up makes a circle? And what does a
circle resemble? A frisbee of course. And does
one always have control of where the frisbee
lands? Nope.
Ping. Right
off the edge of His glasses. Do i need to describe
that cold feeling of terror in the pit of my
stomach? Apologies were FLYING as fast as the
collar/frisbee did, out of my mouth. And continued
as He closed His face (yes that is possible - i
just witnessed it) and got out of bed and stomped to the
futon where He fully intended to now sleep. Course
that led to me insisting there was no way i would allow
that - i don't believe in separate angry beds - and if He
slept there then i was too.
Eventually i left
Him sitting there, buck naked, and went to bed. i
figured if He couldn't accept the fact that i was
sincerely sorry and NEVER intended to bean Him with the
collar, then there wasn't much more i could do.
About ten minutes later He did come back to the bed and we
woke the next morning in each other's arms. And He
accepted my apology. (Well okay i woke Him up to
talk about it - i didn't want to start our day angry with
each other)
We do still have
to discuss all of this - life again has gotten in the way
- and last night i was not asked for the collar so i know
He hasn't forgotten. We just need to find away that
keeps me from getting anxious when there are changes and a
way for Him to let me know there are
changes.
Sometimes our
past really does come back to haunt us. But i'm
determined to learn.

Note:
pics below are clickable for navigation
|