May 4, 2001

    It's raining outside ... the first real 'spring' rain i think and Himself is sitting on the couch watching it happen.  It's all very nice and i offered to come sit with Him.  He did say 'umm hmmm' but also said starting a post was good - so that's what i'm doing. i won't last long though, i expect.  i'm more than a bit tired and i know He is as well.

     i am still trying to adjust to this new look.  It's startling to my eyes and i also find myself constantly looking over at the 'logo'.  i find it very compelling - at once gentle but the next moment strong, almost aggressive.  i wish i knew how to do photography.  i'd love to take pictures of hands.

     Still no wearing of the bedtime/playtime collar.  i'm not sure where we stand on all of this, since we haven't really talked about it very much.  We tried the other night (talking) but it ended up feeling to me like i was the only one at fault - it felt like He didn't understand what i was trying to explain.  Like how it feels as though He's being indifferent at best when He gets into bed with no warning or goodnights and yet i'm still expected to maintain the protocol.  He did try to explain His thoughts but i couldn't get past the part of His not understanding what i meant (i don't think He even knows that yet) so i simply rolled over, so He couldn't see me crying, and i went to sleep.  i did the same with last night.  

     Sometimes i wonder if we are so busy avoiding repeating our past relationship mistakes, and avoiding the unpleasantness of confrontation, that we end up burying things and causing more damage.

     And then i think that i'm just being paranoid.  There's a gazillion factors as to why life is stressful right now and they will sort themselves out as, for example, the renos get done and His health starts to improve again.  It's just really hard to live with i guess.

     Like this morning.  We get up to the proverbial mess and dust.  Things are strewn all over the place right now and doing anything in any room involves moving things around.  So.  We do that.  And then the dust gets stirred up.  And then He starts coughing - to the point of vomiting sometimes - and then i feel anxious and guilty and majorly worried about Him.  But by this point He's grumbly 'cause He doesn't feel good, yet won't go to the doctor because He doesn't want antibiotics or steriods and etc. Which just makes me frustrated.

     So He drags His butt out of bed and gives me a ride to work.  At the side of the car i watch and listen to Him hack and cough, His body totally bent over.  And every inch of me is screaming with the effort of not saying anything because if i do, i get snapped at.  And i know He doesn't want to feel like He's living with His mom.  And certainly doesn't want to live with a nag.

     He drops me off and comes home.  He helps M with the renos all day.  He does laundry in between, hanging them outside even!  Picks up my shoes from the repair place and does the dishes.  Takes me (and my son and the non-girlfriend - another story for another time) out for a burger.  And now He's sleeping on the couch where only moments ago He was looking out the window.  

     We are pushing ourselves to the limit.  i'm exhausted from work and webpages and dealing with His anxiety about the renos and my own brand of guilt for not being here during it all.  And worrying about Him being sick.  He's exhausted from the renos and the sickness and me and His own brand of worry about keeping us perfect.  He says He has a small social safety net.  It's pretty amazing how big that net actually gets.   

     So i don't expect to be wearing that collar again tonight.  And i'm not terribly surprised either.  Perhaps it's time to re-think that particular ritual - mold it into something more life-appropriate; something that satisfies both our needs. Something that keeps me from being weirded out, thinking that He is indifferent or bored with me.  

     i know it's just a tiny slump.  Something that gets worked out very easily once the decision to work it out is made.  It's just hard to go through.  

     And i do know He loves me.  Two pairs of newly repaired shoes, neatly lined up at the foot of the bed when i got home today, told me so.

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