May 13, 2001

    i'm stealing a few quiet moments this morning for myself.  It's mother's day and i'm indulging in memories.  Like the memory of the last one my mother had.  She was starting the downward spiral of her cancer - and the drugs she was taking had started to affect how she appeared.  They hadn't taken her over completely yet, but made her seem like she constantly had a few beers in her or had smoked one too many joints.  It was very disconcerting.

     The then hubster and i went to visit her that day, taking along a piece of her favourite dessert from the local restaurant that was also her favourite.  And i think she was very pleased.  i think we both knew however, that she'd never be able to eat it.  The disease and the drugs had stripped her of the ability to enjoy that pleasure.

     i guess it always amazes me how she still seems to have a hold on my life.  Less negative than before - but still there.  i still have dreams about her.  i still experience strong resentments towards her - even animosity - yet every once in awhile something will happen that reminds me of her in a more positive way.  Sometimes even in a pitying way.  i think she knew where she'd like to go, but never felt like she got there.  And didn't have the knowledge or the skills to know how to get there.  

     Like how she loved to have people over for dinner.  She spent so much time worrying about how the table looked, and focused on her lack of culinary skills, that she missed the gracefulness of simply enjoying the company that she'd invited.  She did enjoy them eventually - after the dinner was over and she'd had a few beers.  And that's so sad.

     i find myself looking forward to having our first dinner party in our newly renovated space - and i admit that i'm looking forward to decorating the table and helping Himself in the kitchen.  But i think i've finally learned the art of enjoying one's company and i look forward to that part the most.  

     And i haven't a clue how i just went from discussing a mother's day memory to a future dinner, but there you have it.  It's where my mind went.

     One other place it went.  For the first time since she died, i've had the urge to visit my mother's grave.  Even though there's only a small part of her ashes sprinkled there - a shared spot with my father, so it's not really a grave at all and lord only knows where the rest of her went - still the urge has hit.  Which tells me i've changed some more.  

     Happy Mom's Day to me.  Happy Mom's and Woman's Day to everyone.          

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