June 23, 2001

    We bought new furniture!  

     Last Sunday, after our father's day brunch, Himself and His daughter and i intended to go to a store that we've been meaning to visit for awhile now.  Unfortunately (or fortunately, as it turned out) we were quickly running out of time to travel the distance that store was, and so Master suggested we go back to a store that was closer to our house.  (Store name is "Green Tea Design")  

     Now this is quickly becoming one of our favourite places to browse.  And usually it's only ever browsing, since reading the price sticker is not always good for one's heart.  However, this time we found some things that practically begged to live in our house. That's my story and i'm sticking to it. It has absolutely nothing to do with my own drooling or begging, at all.  Heh.

     We indulged in a Korean summer bed, which i can't find an appropriate picture of other than it looks similar to this when it's put together.  When it's apart, it becomes two separate love seat sized chairs and a coffee table.  (The above pic is not quite the same - but at least it's an idea.)  i found it in the back storage area, tucked away in a dark spot and absolutely fell in love with the whole concept.  

     The cabinet is something like this one and i'm intending to use it in the kitchen for food storage since we don't have upper cabinets with doors - just open shelving.  Himself wants to put our good glassware in it instead, and He's absolutely right, it would be perfect.  But that doesn't solve the problem of where to put the tins of tomatoes.  There's no way i'm putting them on the open shelves like He suggested!

     Again, the cabinet was found in the back storage area - the original one i saw had a sold sticker on it, but when i asked if what the chances were of getting another one, lo and behold, good saleswoman just conveniently has another one IN STOCK.  Sometimes life *can* be good. 

     i'm sure that's what the salesperson was thinking as well as we negotiated a bit of a pricing deal (actually a pretty good deal at that.)

Several Hours Later:

     Well, the fridge is downstairs and we put the cabinet beside it.  Then we received much hissing and booing from my son and the other fellow that was helping.  They said it didn't suit.  i kind of liked it although it was a bit startling in a room that is mostly very pale cupboards and beside a white fridge.  Himself didn't seem to like it either (although He's since said He didn't really get a chance to see it properly.)  So.  Back into the dining/living area it went.  For now anyway.  i might get brave and try it again.  Or look for something else that will look nice there. We have a few pieces i intend to try.

     'Course none of this is carved in stone.  i *can* move things around from time to time, just to give the space a fresh look.  If i can convince the big guy and if His back holds out.             

     So i wonder if i'll ever get over my insecurities.  And i wonder if i'll ever stop getting a gut pain every time Himself gets contacted by some old girlfriend.  And i'm serious.  i literally feel a pain in my stomach.  

     In a previous post i spoke about one of these past flames, and how i felt about the fact that Himself hadn't told me He intended to call her while He was in her city working.  And He and i talked it all out when He got home from there.  

     Yet now she continues to send Him emails - and that's all well and fine, having friends is always a good thing.  But i'm not getting a strong sense of any kind of involvement here.  How can i describe all this without sounding petty?  

     See, usually when either of us have gone off to visit with a friend, or receive messages, phone calls or emails, we share that with each other.  Not like a 'guess what!!' sort of thing ... just a casual sharing of the events in our lives that occur independent of each other.  

     So, will the posts from this newly returned friend be shared with me?  i'm not sure.  Especially since, just a bit earlier today, i happened to glance over to Himself as He sat at His computer (i love His profile btw) and saw this woman's name.  And when i asked how she was and what was up, i got the "oh you know ... stuff" response.  

     Stuff.

     Okay.  So a woman who's attractive and younger than me and probably skinny with a big chest and gawd knows what else my imagination can conjure up, and is a past lover, and could barely resist her temptation just a few weeks ago, and He admitted to being tempted as well ... is now only writing about 'stuff'?  

     i honestly don't think that same response from me, if i were the one receiving an email from an old flame, would be acceptable to Him.

     See what i mean about my insecurities?  It probably is all about stuff.  And it doesn't alter how good our relationship is.  And it doesn't take away the fact that it's more than a bit obvious we are working hard on staying together and spending the rest of our lives together.  Hopefully we have at least 30 more healthy years.  But suddenly i'm tossed back into the bog of feeling old before i got there, and undesirable and wondering if maybe i'm boring Him.  

     Then my head flips to the next phase of 'what if' and does it really matter if He decides to have a fling, since i'm the one He lives with anyway and i know He likes me here.  And then again, i have the right to have a fling as well.  It's not like we are running around like jealous screaming banshees here.  

     i guess i just get insulted when i'm brushed to the side by one of these old flames, like i don't exist or that i'm not important enough to know.  Which might not even be the case here - but is something that has happened in the past.  Then why do i feel like He's being 'pursued' again?  

     Then my mind flips back over this past week and the number of times we've made love and i'm blushing at the memories.  We are like two insatiable teenagers most of the time. 

     Maybe some of the insecurities stems from the fact that i don't want any of the good stuff messed up.  Then i worry that the insecurities will drive Him crazy.  Ack! i worry too much.  Just like my mother used to.  Thanks a heap for that life lesson eh?

     Things have always gone wrong in the past - i just want this time to be perfect.  And i don't want confrontations, so i didn't talk about this to Him.  i'll let Him read it here and then pray that He understands what i mean.      

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