July 15, 2001

     my friend N sent me an email.  And in that email she bared a bit of her soul.  i cannot describe how touched i felt by it, and the strange part was i got the sense that she was a bit embarrassed about it all.  She apologized for writing feelings that she thought might hurt me. And she was so wrong.  They didn't hurt me at all.  In fact, i just wanted to go back to the city we used to share and give her the biggest hug that i could.

     It's so strange how we perceive one another sometimes.  She thought perhaps i drifted away from her because of her body image anxieties - that because of her 'look' she wouldn't fit into my new lifestyle.  i can only imagine how much that must have hurt her.  And i cannot begin to stress how very wrong that was.  

     i didn't drift away from her because of that.  In fact i didn't even drift away intentionally.  i just slipped down into a personal abyss that i couldn't get out of for a long while - not really a depression though, since i'm not really a depressed sort of person.  i think it was more a period of trying to settle for what i had in life; tried to settle into the belief that i was lucky and that i would be greedy to admit that i was not happy in this outward appearance of being well taken care of.  That i should be grateful since so many envied me and envied what i had.  

     And all i felt was a sense of drowning.  Of being hugely oppressed.  i tried to convince myself that if i didn't look outside the front door, then it would be okay.  i wouldn't miss what i wasn't seeing.  

     But i knew "it" was out there.  So was it really fate that brought a computer into my life, which ultimately allowed me to look 'out there' for what i needed, from what i thought was the safety of my own home?  Or was it the force of my denied personality that couldn't hold back from where i needed to be - in spite of the self-imposed exile?

     So where am i going with all this?  Well, it seems to me that maybe N is going through the same things as me right now.  Maybe she's discovering that being skinny or beautiful or tall or large breasted isn't really all that important.  

     Maybe she's looking in the mirror and seeing the beginnings of wrinkles and panicking like i did.

     Maybe she's trying to reconcile the feelings of living with a man who loves her naked body just the way it is; who actually likes her without makeup and her hair not done just so.

     i know it sure confuses me and i often tell Himself He's a strange man indeed.  i mean, how can He possibly love the look of my un-adorned eyes and my fine strands of hair flying everywhere? My tummy that sticks out from surgeries and babies and too much wine and my grumpy days?

     And yet i know He does and it just baffles me more and more.

     If this is what is happening to N, then i understand completely how baffled she probably is too.

     i just hope she understands that i love her just the way she is.

     i love her just the way we are.

     See ya in the old folk's home, N.  Bet my motorized wheelchair goes faster than yours!    

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