August 26, 2001

     i'm always amazed when i receive email from people i don't know, commenting about this journal.  i suppose i just get so caught up in what's in my head and getting it expressed the way that i need to, that i forget somebody else is going to read it.  Well, i know Himself is going to, but that's different.  And sometimes i think He uses this journal as a tool - a way to check the pulse of our relationship.  i'm fine with that.

     i always experience a truly baffled delight however, when i check my email and find words of encouragement from someone i don't know.  And it's not even because *i* get the gift of the email.  It has more to do with the fact that there are so many nice people out there.  In a world that is fraught with violence and just general nastiness in a lot of different ways, it's very, very nice to know that there are still people who try to help others.  

     A lovely woman who shall remain named "S", was one of these people yesterday.  She sent me an email telling me about a place on line, where you can sign up and do work from home for them.  And that was very cool!  Obviously she'd figured out i am not really crazy about going back "out there" to work again and offered a solution for staying at home.  i was more than just a little bit touched by her effort.  It was a really nice thing to do!

     i've done a bit of investigating at the site she sent.  It may or may not be something that will work for me, but it certainly looked like a worthwhile thing to explore.  But the important part for me, was that her small gesture helped reinforce my belief that there's still a lot of good people out there.  

     i finally did it.  i finally got brave and drew the picture of the house. (read previous entry)  It's not perfect - far from perfect (i'll never get rich as an artist!) but i had fun nonetheless.  It's very odd that after 30 years of not drawing, i still reverted back to what i loved best, and that was cartooning.  

     What i'd failed to mention in that previous entry however, was the why of why i hadn't drawn in years.  Or perhaps i have before in other entries but i've forgotten which one now.  Anyway, i stopped trying to learn how to draw when i was in my early teens (14 or 15).  i had been taking high school art classes and we lived beside an artist.  i have a piece of her work hanging in our office as a matter of fact.  i liked drawing so much that i wanted to go to George Brown College and study art.  my mother was against this idea totally, and took my existing sketches over to the artist friend who opined that only one small piece looked even remotely promising.  

     i was devastated that my mother had done this!  And embarrassed.  And mortified and all those other teenage angst things that happen.  i put down my pencil and that was that.  my insecurities won out.

    And when i related all this back to Himself that day of the shoe-drawing, He assigned the task.  Gently of course, and without pressure.  And not even a time limit.  But i now had ownership of said task.

     So this past Friday, Himself had gone to teach a class and my son was hogging the computers ... and the street looked relatively deserted.  i decided to grab the opportunity and try doing it.  Pad of paper and art pencils in hand (both of which felt vaguely familiar yet intimidating) i went over to the opposite side of our street and plunked myself down on the curb.  i hadn't bothered to tell anybody i was doing this.

     About a half hour later, my son poked his head out the door and hollered "what are you doing?"  He came over to investigate, and asked me why i was doing this.  i was appropriately evasive - i didn't want to get into the whole story of why i was drawing the house.  i did comment that i should have brought a chair with me, to which he responded that i already looked silly enough and he left to take over the computers again.  Years ago that would have been enough to discourage me - make me feel stupid - and i'd have quit.  Now i just chuckled and thought "some day he'll need to explore himself ... "

     Another half hour or so later, Himself came out the front door.  A rather tall and good looking and nearly bald Himself.  It always feels like i'm with someone else for a few days after He gets a haircut.  If one can call it a haircut, when there's nothing left on His head!

     But He wore a huge smile on His face when He asked what i was doing.  i'm sure He'd figured it out already.  He strolled over to me and i held up the results.  We both agreed it did look cartoon-ish (i'm not good with three dimensional things) but it was the house nonetheless.

     i've been looking at the drawing off and on ever since, moving it to different places in the house so i'll notice it when i walk by.  i'm kind of proud of me.  Not because i did such a bang up job of it - like i said before, we'll never get rich on my artistic talent.  i guess i'm proud of me because i did it.  

     And it doesn't feel like i just drew "the house."  i drew our 'home'.

     i drew a piece of my heart.

     Perfect. 

     Himself is a pretty smart man.

        

PS:  i finally got another issue of the ezine up!

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